Thursday, April 24, 2008

We now interrupt this regularly scheduled blog...

...for something I just need to do. The regular posts will start again tomorrow.


Dear God,

I know we don't talk as much as we used to, and of course that's my fault. I'm not even going to start this off with the "god bless this person and that person" like I used to, because I know that you already do bless them. And many of the people I used to
ask you to bless, you've gathered up to be with you. Fewer of the people I love are left here every year. That's life. It's a fatal condition.

I need to ask you a favor, God. I need for you to send me just the right doctor. One with his eyes and ears fully engaged and his diagnostic skills the best. Of course, I'm just using a generic pronoun. The doctor can be a she. I don't care about gender or nationality or what school he (or she) went to. I just need one with a sharp mind and steady hands. For more than two years, the pain has been bad, and today it was really, really bad. I felt it coming on yesterday.

As you know, Lord, it starts at the base of my skull and spreads out from there. Ground Zero is where I have a Chiari type I Malformation, and to fix it would require brain surgery. The last neurosurgeon who looked at it didn't think it was significant enough to operate on. He isn't walking in my shoes, God. Though the CSF still flows normally, the pain starts right there and radiates to my neck, my shoulders, down my arms, down the rest of my spine. So I'm begging you, please send me the right doctor. I am human, after all, and I need your divine help and the help of humans you have blessed with medical skills.

I'm not going to bargain with you, as I did when I was a little girl, asking you to please, if you would, just give me perfect vision and I'd never sin again. You knew I could never keep that promise because I'm human. No bargaining. Just a humble request for help. The miracle drug that I thought was going to release me from this constant companion has helped most days, but then I have days like this and I just want to pull the covers over my head and not move.

And if you can't send me a doctor, please just hold my hand and give me the strength to bear this for however many more years I am destined to be on Earth.

Your humble servant - D

13 comments:

Not Afraid to Use It said...

If prayers were like signing a petition, I would add my name. Sending you love and good vibes, my friend.

Momma said...

{{{hugs}}}, NATUI. Consider yourself signed on. I could use all the good vibes I can get today...D

Josie said...

Oh, gosh! I wish I could wave a magic wand and make your pain go away. You know, if you want a good doctor, come to Canada. I know some really fine doctors who would listen to you and help you.

In the meantime, I am waving my magic wand, and I will say a little prayer † for you too.

Momma said...

Josie, at this point if I thought it would help, I would pack up and move to Canada! As it is, I'm considering looking in other states for a neurosurgeon who takes these cases. It isn't that I want brain surgery; it's that I need relief.

Peace - D

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Oh, hon, I'm so sorry and am with NATUI. I'm right behind you, sending good vibes and karma your way, hoping your prayer get answered soon and that God will walk with you until your doctor is found.

Daryl E said...

I wish I had something clever to say or the name of a doctor to offer.. I saw my GYN this week and she suggested I see a phyisologist .. I am sure I am spelling it incorrectly. The doctor apparently assesses your condition and decides what you need to stop the pain you're in .. in my case its not pain its itching/hives but this is not about me. I wonder if you want to call her and ask if she can refer you to someone in your area? Let me know and I will happily share the info....Daryl

Kathryn said...

I am so sorry for your suffering. It must be horrible. I am sending prayers your way.

aims said...

Oh sweetie - I made a comment on the above post and have now come here...

Can I steal your prayer?

I hope God heard you. I really do. Finding a doctor who listens is the hardest thing. I have actually told my last two doctors that I had changed because my former doctor wouldn't listen to me. That seemed to get their attention. They are now collaborating to try and help me.

I don't know about doctors in the states - and maybe Josie is right. We do have some great benefits living here in Canada. Especially where health care is concerned.

My thoughts are with you...believe me.

Sandy said...

You are in my prayers. Sending a gentle hug to you, too.

San said...

I'm relatively new to your blog and didn't know you have this chronic pain. That's a sincere prayer and you are reminding me that I've been neglecting my own prayer time. That's too bad because prayer always seems to make me feel more in touch with what I actually need and want. That's what's so beautiful about your prayer. You're in touch.

Sending you what healing vibes I can muster from The Land of Enchantment...

Momma said...

CMGD - I keep on praying and reading this prayer over and over. I just have to have faith.

Daryl - I don't know if you were reading me back then, but in February I was going through an all-over body itch (no rash) that apparently was due to Lyrica. I thought I was going to lose my mind from the itching. Of course, now without my Lyrica, the pain is worse. If it's not one thing...

Kathryn - {{{hugs}}} Thank you!

Aims - See the other message I left for you. Stay away from the nerve ablation, but shots? They can help a ton! (They don't last long for me, though).

Sandy - Thanks! Hugs back at ya...

San - I don't write too often about the pain, because I feel like it's something no one wants to hear. But now and then...there is nothing else in my mind but the pain. Writing it out sometimes helps.

Peace - D

Oregon Pundit said...

Hi Momma,

Unfortunately, it is a roll of the dice when it comes to matching an unusual medical condition to a doctor who happens to be knowledgeable about that condition. You need to keep telling yourself there is someone out there who knows exactly what you are going through. There's got to be a doctor treating a patient right now who has a problem just like yours. That doctor could be in L.A. or an hour from your home. The trick is to find him or her. It is times like this the Internet is such a valuable tool.

It angers me, however, that any doctor would be dismissive of your pain. That just does not sound right at all.

Please hang in there. I am pulling for you and judging by this thread so are a lot of other folks.

CrazyCath said...

Momma - I'm just catching up. Sorry I've not been over...

Just had to comment on this one.

Beautiful, humble, honest. I wish all my prayers could be as open and honest. I hope he heard your prayer.