Today I had to engage the tough love machine again. It isn't easy, but my home has become hellish. Instead of being my sanctuary, it is my house of horrors. Sleep has been a problem. My usual routine is blown. That is all about to end.
This will be the third time I have had to use the tough love machine. Three different individuals in my family have done this to me (admittedly, I invited them into my home). They have come in, accepted my help and generosity (each one of them spewing promises they would never keep), and crapped all over me. I don't think I deserve that.
What makes it hard for me is that I want to help my family. I want them to do and be better. Each one of these people has had a drug problem, though, and mental instability to boot. I found out last night that some of my medication has been disappearing. This person also "traded" some of her anti-anxiety meds with a friend for sleeping pills--after accusing the pharmacist of shorting the number of pills in the bottle. This person has a long history of lying. My shrink suggested that I go to Al-Anon because, even though this family member has a narcotics addiction instead of an alcohol addiction, the principles will help me to put it all into perspective so that I won't blame myself for their failures and problems.
Last night I had to take this person to the ER. S/he refused to even put shoes on, put on a huge show of being terribly ill (we had had an argument) and very likely took a lot of pills to effect the grogginess (which looked like blood loss) and the tachycardia. S/he knows how to do that; s/he has done it many times. I finally had to leave. The drama was ridiculous. One a.m. rolled around and the phone began ringing off the hook for a ride home. My son was good enough to swing by the hospital, as he was on his way home from a friend's house.
Off and on all night, s/he knocked on our door or our son's door, trying to explain the pretense and lies. We were all done listening.
I long for the peace that was my household. I long for stretches of time in which I can write without interruption or can just meditate. I want to be able to have little snack foods in the house that won't disappear overnight. I want to get a full night's sleep with no one knocking on the door wanting to ask me something. I want to stop having to hide my money, my medication, and my valuables. I deserve better.
At one point my husband was so frustrated that he said, "We're not doing this again. If you do this again, I will leave until (insert name here) is gone." I wanted to say, "Take me with you!"
But I brought this on myself with my misguided generosity. Instead of expecting my family members to fend for themselves. I want to be the one who helps them out. But I deserve a household free from this kind of stress and abuse. It's almost over, though. This person is leaving this weekend. If this person wakes me up tonight, though, s/he will find the bags out the door. I can't keep going this way.
I'm tired of
...this person eating everything in my house (while we're sleeping)
...verbally abusing us
...hogging the phone
...and the list could go on for pages and pages.
I hate putting this all out there, but I'm off my game right now. I'm unable to write anything interesting. I'm really thinking of taking my shrink's advice about the Al-Anon group. I need to know that I did everything I could do and that I'm not responsible for this. It certainly feels like I could have done something, but I can't think of what.
I am going to pray my way into the weekend, looking for some peace and guidance. They say that no good deed goes unpunished. It is the most fitting idiom for this situation.
I wish you peace - D