Monday, January 26, 2009

Draining


Some of the stress is gone.

Daughter moved out yesterday after a very, very bad weekend in which we discovered many lies, many half-truths, and a lot of theft.

Once her things were gone and my house key was back on its hook, I had the strangest sensation of weakness all over my body. My legs were rubbery and threatened to not carry me across the room, much less up the stairs. But carry me, they did, right up to my bed. The stress hormones, which must have been quite high for the last month, were draining from my body. With them went my strength.

For three hours, I slept soundly. I got up, had dinner, and did some reading. Before my usual "bedtime," I shut out the lights and slept some more, deeply. I was no longer worried about the craziness that had invaded my home since Christmas.

Even after a solid 8 hours of sleep, I wanted to shut off the alarm, call in sick, and go back to sleep. But I'm up. I'm getting ready to get started with my day. I realize that it will be the first time in awhile that I will have a quiet, centered day. Maybe I can actually focus.

It doesn't change how drained I feel, though. I'm not sure what will happen to Daughter, but she conned someone else into letting her sleep on their couch. Her addictions are many. Her self-control is nil. And she refuses rehab. The law being what it is, she doesn't have to do anything. While it is gut-wrenching to know that I can't help her, it is a great relief to feel safe again in my own home.

It was a time of ups and downs. I thought I had turned it all over to God, but apparently I was holding onto a lot of worry. I'm only human, after all.

Now I have to get to work. And then I will work on getting my personal strength back.

Peace - D

[photo credit]

31 comments:

Mary Moore said...

Hugs. Hope all gets better soon.

Drowsey Monkey said...

Sounds like a very difficult time. Hope you're able to relax and rejuvenate a bit now. I can't imagine how hard it must be not being able to help someone ... that takes a lot of strength.

® ♫ The Brit ♪ ® said...

Hi D,
How awful for you! I hope you can feel better now... I feel sad for your Daughter but until they wish to change there is nothing we can do. It's very sad if she has been stealing from you, those things are very hard to forgive...
Thinking of you dera friend and wishing peace and calm for you and your home X

Moannie said...

What can one say? It's a twentyfirst Century tragedy. Poor poor you, and poor child. That drained feeling was you letting go-you have done everything you can but of course there will always be that sense of, there must be something, someone... Now you must think about yourself.

Huge hugs. Be strong. Others have made it out of addiction.

Daryl said...

Dont be too hard on yourself. You did what was right even if it turned out badly ... and you are human .. nothing wrong with that and personally I do not think placing your faith in god is going to change anything .. she is your child and you will always feel the need to worry

® ♫ The Brit ♪ ® said...

Hi D,
Thanks for your comment on my post about the film! I'm replying here so as not to put a *spoiler* there...

Yes I cried buckets at the end!
I thought it was a highly emotional film, but ,as you said, very real.
The rascism and hatred part of the story was tough to watch but people like that do exist and I admit that I really felt for Clint's character as he really grew to love his neighbours/friends.
I actually felt by the end that he wasn't really rascist or prejudiced as he loved those people more than his own family and turned out to be a decent man at the end... I understood it as those were just the words he used, through his experience with war...

I think it's an amazing story of redemption, forgiveness and above all: peace.
In our world which is forever at war it was such a great and positive message!
It's such a shame that Hollywood hasn't given it the recognition it deserves with the Oscars, but so many great films like this get overlooked and it doesn't affect my opinion that it is the absolute best film of the year!

Clint has made one more masterpiece! he's amazing!
and yes I too will be buying it as soon as it is released onto Dvd! I can't wait to see it again!! and have you heard the song? wonderful!
Big Hugs,
Donnie X

ConverseMomma said...

Oh, I wish it was different for her. I can not imagine your grief, but want you to know that even though we are strangers, you will always have a place to lay it down, with me. How strange this blogging thing that I immediately want to wrap you in a hug, make you a mug of tea, and let you ache until it gets better. I'm so sorry. I will think all my most positive thought and love that your daughter finds her way.

Mental P Mama said...

The worrying will never stop, but you have to take of yourself above all else.

Akelamalu said...

I hope you start feeling better now everything's on a more even keel. x

Marty said...

I have seen this in other families too, you have done the right thing no matter how hard it may seem.

Maggie May said...

I don't know whether I could have coped with all this.
I think it is far too difficult a thing to cope with.
Glad you are back on your own again. I can really pick up on the relief and it oodles out of your blog.
Keep with it.

Lorna said...

Probably all of the self help books that you read and all of the wise counsel corroborates your actions. You know that you did what you could and that you could do no more.

At some point the pain of dealing with someone's day to day problems when she doesn't care to deal with them herself becomes worse than the pain of telling a loved one that you cannot do any more.

You sound like a good mom and a wise mom. I hope that soon you are a perky mom with full time energy.

~Lorna

Not Afraid To Use It said...

All that sleep must have been a great start in the healing process. Take care of yourself, and be patient with yourself. The true road to healing is baby steps. Don't expect too much too fast--you deserve to take things slowly.

RiverPoet said...

Mary - Thank you. Today was a much better day.

Drowsey - It was a very hard thing to have her here and a very hard thing to ask her to leave. Sleeping is all I could think to do after...

Donnie - Yes, I think the thievery hurt us worst of all. It was like old times, though, and we couldn't allow it.

Moannie - Yes, where there is life, there is hope. I firmly believe that. The trouble is, she isn't at the point of wanting to change yet. She has to get there. It isn't a place I can take her.

Daryl - You are absolutely right. It's hard to ever turn your back on your child. It always seems like there's more I can do.

Donnie - Yes, I hung around the theater and listened to the song, too. It just added to my weeping...

CM - As I said in my private email, I really thank you for this touching comment. It was exactly what I needed.

MPM - Taking care of myself is something I've always struggled with. I'm trying to learn to do that, later in life.

Akela - The house feels so much more balanced today. Even my poor Bodhi had started to potty in the house again because he felt the tension!

Maggie - Yes, I do feel better today. I feel more like myself.

Lorna - Thank you. Yes, I hope to be that perky mom again soon! God, things were so much easier when the kids were young.

NATUI - The sleep definitely helped, but I'm also glad I forced myself to work today. It was a busy day, and it kept me distracted. By the end of it, I was feeling much more like "me" again.

Peace - D

SandyCarlson said...

I am with you. You opened your door and acted in good faith. I hope your daughter finds the help and peace she needs to get beyond addiction and lead a good life. You are a good mom to have tried so hard to help.

the walking man said...

Nothing will pull you apart faster than trouble in the life of a child you raised. After awhile though they grow beyond any ability you have to assist them in much more than a bed, If they abuse the bed then they are not the child you raised but rather adults free to be what they are.

It doesn't cause less pain when they are asses but it still doesn't mean you are the one who is at fault for their current behavior, all walk the road at their own pace Doris and in that walk they have to learn to walk alone before they will ever be able to walk with others.

Be at peace, you do what you can.

TSannie said...

I hope I come back here someday and read about a happy ending for you and your daughter. I'm sorry you and your loved ones have to go through this.

Carol said...

There is a saying:"they walk on your feet when their little, they walk on your heart when their grown"
Your heart has been trampled,it's in need of rest. I'll say a prayer for you!

RiverPoet said...

Sandy - Thanks, my friend. I want, with every ounce of me, to solve this problem for her. But it isn't my problem to solve. I truly don't think there is anything worse than watching your own child go through this.

Mark - Wise words from a wise man. I happen to be reading a book about denial and addiction that is part of my new class in grad school. I'm soaking it in right now as I begin to learn what does and does not contribute to addiction and denial. It's timely, that's for sure.

TSA - I can't wait to write that happy ending!

Carol - All prayers are welcome. Honestly, my church friends have really pitched in with the prayers since all of this started. I really thank God for them every day and for friends like you.

Peace - D

Jay said...

Bless you. I bet you feel wrung out. :(

One of my close family members has a wife with addiction problems. They are separated now, but only because she walked out. And he, left behind, felt much as you do now. Relief was the overwhelming emotion.

You cannot help an addict who is not ready to help. Not in today's atmosphere where everyone's individual rights are protected, sometimes to the detriment of everyone else. :(

HOPELESSBELIEVER said...

My dear friend, I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. I too, have an older child who seems to daily break my heart. I keep thinking to myself, "I didn't raise him to be this way", but for the time being, none of that seems to matter. I only pray for him, as ,it is in God's hands now regardless of what I do. I love my children sooo very much, but I guess we have no choice but to let them make their own mistakes and be responsible for them as well. I pray for u my dear friend, and your daughter as well. Take care,
Julian oxox

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Darlin', I'm so very sorry you've been dealing with that sort of stress for over a month. I'm glad it's over, but I'm sorry you're still hurting because of the actions of your daughter.

Be well.

david mcmahon said...

You are both in my thoughts and prayers. You have a huge heart.

Deb said...

As a parent I can truly relate ~ and am reminded of a conversation I recently had with a dear friend. She asked me when we, as moms, would stop worrying about our children. I believe that we never stop worrying about them. Sending you peace, love and strength!

Lavinia said...

Riverpoet, it ached my heart when I read this. My mother always says, if my kids are happy, I'm happy. We believe that deep down there can be no peace in a mother's heart if her children are not well. How much we mothers bear, only God knows. My teen daughter gives me no end of worry, and I hold tight to the hope and faith in a better future. I hope you still retain some faith. You've been through the wringer, as others here have said. I salute you for all your efforts and for all your hope for your daughter's brighter, better days. My heart truly goes out to you, as only a mother's can!

Carol said...

My heart aches for you. Bittersweet sadness, to-be-sure. You know, God gave them to us to care for. To teach. We can't make them do the right things...or think like we do. I'm not surprised that you're exhausted. This kind of 'love' is very very draining. xoxoxo

ArneA said...

Hopefully you will find some peace until the longing for Daughter once more evolve

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

Oh gosh...I knew you were having a tough time...and knew also that you would talk when you were ready..

what turmoil and stress...

you need to replenish those diminished reserves...they take their toll.but sleep is a must for you..


merisi sent me this..you know this of course...but..

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all"

Emily Dickinson
(the whole poem can be found here.

A salute to hope!

San said...

Doris, you've been through the wringer. I believe you're ready for a gentle fluff cycle now--a cling-free cycle of comfort and softness. And no static electricity.

BGirl4yrs said...

WoW! I am drained in my circumstance as well, and cannot wait to have my own place again!

I will keep your family in my prayers.

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