Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Strange Days Indeed


There's a lot going on in this head of mine. Lots of changes going on inside of me. To look at it, there seems to have been no catalyst, and yet there was - just not what I expected.

One day I was browsing an online magazine that usually doesn't deal with this kind of topic, and there it was, staring me in the face - my life's biggest guess-what-I'm-still-here-even-if-you-don't-admit-it secret.

The thing is, I don't know what to do about it. I've never really known what to do about it, though I have made a few tries in my life to have it all, have my cake and eat it, too. Can I even talk about it here? I'm not sure. There may be one of my co-workers who reads this blog (though he may have only visited once, and since I suspect he's harboring a similar secret, maybe he wouldn't care). There are friends I've made here who may say, "WHAT?!" and desert me. I don't know if I want that. Rejection is a big fear for me, always has been.

Studying psychology and the fact that only through owning our feelings and living a congruent life - the same inside as outside - can we find true mental health and happiness.

Maybe I need to marinate this some more. Maybe I need to take a vote.

Peace...D

[photo credit]

12 comments:

Jay said...

Well, unless you chopped someone up into tiny pieces (human or animal) or destroyed something valuable that didn't belong to you, or wiped out an entire species or something - AND have plans to do it all again, I doubt I'll be one to say 'WHAAT??' and never speak to you again. Too many bad things in my own past that I regret, my dear, and I suspect that's true for most ethical and moral people.

You don't get born ethical and moral, you see.

It's up to you whether you post or not. I won't even try to influence you one way or another, I just wanted to tell you that you will have one friend left at least. And, I suspect, pretty much all of the rest, too. ;)

Akelamalu said...

We all have secrets m'dear, it's up to you whether you want to disclose yours. I don't think anyone will judge you whatever it is. x

Syd said...

I told all mine to my sponsor for my fifth step. No point in airing the laundry on line in blogland. I've aired a lot of it but some things will only be revealed to God, myself and that other special human being.

RiverPoet said...

Jay - I appreciate that. And thank you for the blog award today! I hope to be posting that in the next day or so...

Akela - True. But I'm tired of this part of me being hidden. It's not so much a secret as a facet.

Syd - Certainly there are things I've shared in my 12-step group (for codependency) but this isn't something I feel bad about or want to be rid of. Does that make sense? It's something I need to integrate and be honest about.

Peace - D

Mental P Mama said...

We would all be pretty darn boring if we didn't have our original stuff. I plan on living with mine. In harmony.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Wishing you peace in your decision. And that's precisely what it is...

your decision. ;)

Woman in a Window said...

I find turning these blog posts out leaves me with more of myself, oddly enough, and sometimes looking at this gives me a few surprises. Be ok, turn it all out. Contrary to many warnings about crackerjacks, I find most bloggers warm and supportive.

be well,
erin

j~august said...

Tease! Just tell us :)
ANd i think u are right, i am pretty sure he doesn't read it....

j~august said...

oh- and i like everthing I have seen so far, so- bring it out. Are you a secret stripper? A cross dresser? A kareoke monger?

the walking man said...

*shrug* Whatever clears the head is a good thing.

Cloudia said...

I'm with Akelamalu, Dear!
I mention you in my Thursday post.
Aloha-

Jennifer H said...

Is there some place (someone?) besides here who you would rather talk it over with? I'm willing to bet that you would find support here, though.

Only you can decide - just know we're all here for support if you decide to share it here.

xoxo