The idea behind chaos theory is that initial conditions can result in random outcomes. If you believe in chaos theory, you have to believe that my daughter was born into this world with a set of initial conditions (date/time of birth, genetic makeup, parents, place of birth) that resulted in a random path which ultimately led to April 3, 2009 and the doorbell sounding in my otherwise quiet house two weeks ago today.
If you believe in chaos theory, you must believe that no matter what I did, the outcome would have been the same. I'm trying to hold onto that. Several things have settled my soul and somewhat alleviated the worst of my grief.
First, I dreamed about Stef a couple of nights ago. She and I were laughing and talking and enjoying each other. She was whole. She was beautiful and happy. I woke up smiling, and then I remembered that I wouldn't see her anytime soon, that is unless my own chaotic path has an end in the near future. We never know, do we?
Secondly, a friend's little girl, who is 3 and is clairvoyant, said today, "You know Stef? She's with the god and goddess now." This little girl never met Stef. She only met us the day of the funeral, over a week ago. There was absolutely no reason for her to bring Stef up in conversation today, because she was doing something else and no one was talking about Stef. My friends are Wiccan and are raising their child with that belief system. It just said to me that there are many truths and that Stef is communicating with me by any means necessary to tell me she's okay.
Another bit of relief came my way on the day of the funeral when one of the women from AA let me know that Stef had shared with the group, right after she was mugged and beaten, that she knew it was God with her in that alley, protecting her and keeping her alive. It was the first time in memory that my daughter acknowledged God. My heart lifted.
Finally, I've had some wonderful women at church praying with me for Stef for the last year, and they prayed in a particularly powerful way the Sunday after Stef's body was discovered. I'll always be grateful to them and to God for the peace that descended on my soul that day.
Despite a very chaotic day today, my soul is healing. I'm just incredibly tired all the time. It seems this is my way of dealing with the intensity of this grief - to sleep. That fatigue got me into a fight with the woman who was supposed to be my best friend today. Long story. She wanted more from me than I could give right now.
Another woman has been the salve for my soul lately. A woman I knew in high school has reappeared in my life and has been simply amazing to me. Today I received a package from her in which she had put, among other things, a beautiful jewelry box which plays music and has a place to put Stef's photo in the lid. She said she knew that I would need a special place to put my necklace holding my daughter's remains. This gift brought tears to my eyes. What a wonderful, beautiful person she is. I am truly, amazingly blessed.
So much still has to be done. We still have to go over to the last place our daughter lived to pick up her things, what few there may be. I still have to go through all of her clothes to see what can be donated and what I may want to keep. I still need to figure out how to get out of bed and have a normal day again without needing to sleep the afternoon away. For now, I'm trying to be gentle with myself and just take it a moment at a time.
Sometimes that means I'll have a total meltdown in the middle of the Sci-Fi section of Barnes and Noble, and that's okay.
Peace - D