Saturday, April 18, 2009

Chaos Theory

The idea behind chaos theory is that initial conditions can result in random outcomes. If you believe in chaos theory, you have to believe that my daughter was born into this world with a set of initial conditions (date/time of birth, genetic makeup, parents, place of birth) that resulted in a random path which ultimately led to April 3, 2009 and the doorbell sounding in my otherwise quiet house two weeks ago today.

If you believe in chaos theory, you must believe that no matter what I did, the outcome would have been the same. I'm trying to hold onto that. Several things have settled my soul and somewhat alleviated the worst of my grief.

First, I dreamed about Stef a couple of nights ago. She and I were laughing and talking and enjoying each other. She was whole. She was beautiful and happy. I woke up smiling, and then I remembered that I wouldn't see her anytime soon, that is unless my own chaotic path has an end in the near future. We never know, do we?

Secondly, a friend's little girl, who is 3 and is clairvoyant, said today, "You know Stef? She's with the god and goddess now." This little girl never met Stef. She only met us the day of the funeral, over a week ago. There was absolutely no reason for her to bring Stef up in conversation today, because she was doing something else and no one was talking about Stef. My friends are Wiccan and are raising their child with that belief system. It just said to me that there are many truths and that Stef is communicating with me by any means necessary to tell me she's okay.

Another bit of relief came my way on the day of the funeral when one of the women from AA let me know that Stef had shared with the group, right after she was mugged and beaten, that she knew it was God with her in that alley, protecting her and keeping her alive. It was the first time in memory that my daughter acknowledged God. My heart lifted.

Finally, I've had some wonderful women at church praying with me for Stef for the last year, and they prayed in a particularly powerful way the Sunday after Stef's body was discovered. I'll always be grateful to them and to God for the peace that descended on my soul that day.

Despite a very chaotic day today, my soul is healing. I'm just incredibly tired all the time. It seems this is my way of dealing with the intensity of this grief - to sleep. That fatigue got me into a fight with the woman who was supposed to be my best friend today. Long story. She wanted more from me than I could give right now.

Another woman has been the salve for my soul lately. A woman I knew in high school has reappeared in my life and has been simply amazing to me. Today I received a package from her in which she had put, among other things, a beautiful jewelry box which plays music and has a place to put Stef's photo in the lid. She said she knew that I would need a special place to put my necklace holding my daughter's remains. This gift brought tears to my eyes. What a wonderful, beautiful person she is. I am truly, amazingly blessed.

So much still has to be done. We still have to go over to the last place our daughter lived to pick up her things, what few there may be. I still have to go through all of her clothes to see what can be donated and what I may want to keep. I still need to figure out how to get out of bed and have a normal day again without needing to sleep the afternoon away. For now, I'm trying to be gentle with myself and just take it a moment at a time.

Sometimes that means I'll have a total meltdown in the middle of the Sci-Fi section of Barnes and Noble, and that's okay.

Peace - D

[photo credit]


Maggie May said...

Sleep can be the ultimate healer, so get as much as possible. Any true friend will understand that you need to be in control of who you see and how much time you spend with them.
So pleased that you are finding some peace through others and the dream and God.
The friend who gave you that trinket box got it just right. That was a very meaningful thing to do.
I feel that everything I say is so meaningless to you right now, but I really hope that you find some solace from your blogging friends and that you realize that my thoughts and prayers are with you and I am wishing you well.
Hugs X

the walking man said...

RP...Chaos needs no theory, only a rake to smooth it out.

Stephanie sleeps well and comfortably in the house of her ancestors waiting for the resurrection to the infinite space, tended to in her comfort by those other beloved by God, the angels of that place.

It is more grievous for them left alive at the death of a loved one, and ten times as terrible when them gone are the children of them grieving; but all is suddenly well with them deceased.

There is nothing in their present state that troubles them, no sickness, no worry, no fear left as their portion. It is in knowing this that we alive in this place can draw a measure of comfort. They, Stephanie included, are well throughout their entire being now.

Was her life too short? Yes by one measure it absolutely was but that is a measure taken by them of us who are still mortal...measuring in the infinite that now stretches before her, it was the exact right length of time.

By your own account as related to you she found her enlightenment and it was enough to allow her sleep and comfort. She passed through the last door in a terrible painful way but in the end we do not look at the way of it but the result and the result is good for her.

I believe with all of my fiber this.

As long as there is someone alive who remembers her name, carries a portion of her in the heart of their waking spirit she will be loved and loving.

Be well Doris and sleep away some of your own time if you must. No wound heals overnight. Find your comfort and share it with them around you who also remember and keep Stephanie alive in their hearts. This is what I pray God show you now.

Marty said...

Your faith and your words today bring me hope... thank you! Yes, I believe that your daughter is embraced in holiness and love.

TheWritersPorch said...

D.....nothing will ever fill the hole left in you by the loss of Stephanie, but sleep and time will heal your physical being and you will find a way to continue life.
" I believe" that when we leave this life we are with loved ones gone before and we are then a member of what truly is " life".
Those of us left are just on a earthly journey. " Real life" begins when this journey ends.
She is now "whole" complete and happy! I will continue to pray for your peace of mind!

RiverPoet said...

Maggie - Your words are far from meaningless. I cherish every word coming to me from every friend right now. They are all a great comfort. Thank you for your continued prayers and support.

Mark - Thank you, my friend. You know this has been the toughest time of my life. It's challenging all of my strength just to get out of bed in the morning. But I am still alive in this plane and as such I must keep going. My daughter is well, yes. She is whole and will be part of the throng waiting for me on the other side when it is someday my turn for my soul to embark on the next leg of this journey we call life. Thank you for taking the time to send such words of comfort to me.

Marty - Thank you for allowing me to bring hope into your life. Right now I need to know that my daughter's life and death and my own struggles are having a positive impact on others. I wanted so much for her life, but God had other plans.

Carol - Thank you for the prayers and the words of wisdom. Yes, I believe Stephanie is whole again. This painful hole left in my heart will eventually reduce to a dull ache, but for now it is particularly acute. Prayer and tears and blessed sleep are the things that sustain me right now - and of course, the support of friends like you.

Peace - D

ed said...
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San said...

Doris, I'm so glad you're being gentle with yourself and allowing yourself to rest. You need it, babe.

Yes, Stef has been letting you know she is at peace. Dreams such as you had are divine gifts, as is the communication you received from the women in church. May your burden continue to lighten...

Hilary said...

Doris, you have such amazing strength and clarity of thought. I think you need this rest to help you heal. Your body knows what's best for you and your mind and heart are so in tune with the world. Wishing you continued strength and healing.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Yes, I very much believe in the Chaos theory, a journey mapped out for us before we are born.

Bless you,
CJ xx

septembermom said...

I can't imagine your daily struggle to get through each day. I'm glad that you have family and friends to support you on this most difficult journey. I really don't know what to say. Even though I never had the honor to meet you, please know that I send my support and hugs to you. Take care of yourself.

Mr. Nighttime said...

"All religions are a path to God." - Sri Ramakrishna

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Yes, we never know, do we...

Sleep as much as you can, when you can. That is also how I deal with stress, sorrow, and sadness.

Take care.

Cloudia said...

Thank you for teaching me how to deal with my own grief.


Hello my dear friend, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. :)

Akelamalu said...

I'm sure Stephanie will make her presence known to you in various ways to let you know she is now at peace. Sleep is a great healer, as is time. I'm still sending Reiki for you and your family, I hope it helps. x

Kelly (conversemomma) said...

What a beautiful gift to get a message that your daughter is well with the gods and goddesses now. I believe it in my heart. I also hope you allow yourself those breakdowns, the up and down, the twist of grief. Allow yourself to move with not against it. And have people who care about you here.

Daryl said...

Sleep is a good thing, it heals ... and you need no one who wants anything from you now ... everyone handles grief, death, loss in their own way on their own timetable ... (((Doris)))

Syd said...

I think that doing whatever is needed to clear your head and to heal is okay. Meltdowns, sleep and prayer are all part of grieving. The kindness of others and your accepting their outstretched hand will help. I'm glad that Stef was sober and believed that her HP was with her in the alley.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I have been thinking of you and your daughter and saying prayers for you both. I do believe the dead communicate with the living through dreams and signs.

When I am heavily depressed, I sleep a lot also. I figure it beats drinking or sedatives.

Much love and mainly I wish you and your dear daugher peace.

TSannie said...

You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers - as is your Stef.
Do try to follow that one line you wrote, though I know that will be quite hard to do at times: "For now, I'm trying to be gentle with myself and just take it a moment at a time."

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

I don't think sleeping is such a bad thing. A friend of mine whose husband died a few years ago, is Greek Orthodox and they believe that the soul lingers for 40 days after a person's passing before moving on and it's during that time their loved ones dream about them. Your dreams are your way of not only communicating with Stephanie but also a way of making order out of the chaos. :)