Tuesday, April 21, 2009


** If you don't see your comment, there's a chance it got deleted by me pushing the wrong button...please write something else if you are of a mind to... sorry **

Hands poised above the keyboard...nothing.
Thoughts rushing in....nothing.
Can't write a poem.
Can't write a decent post.
Can't seem to do much of anything.

A friend said to me, "You're creative. There are some pretty cool ways of memorializing Stef."
Yes, there are, but I can't seem to get there yet. The grief is too acute.

Yesterday I tried to work, and I lasted five hours. Started at 7 and made it to noon. At noon on the last day I had worked (4/3/09), police officers rang the doorbell and respectfully asked Pete if they could come in, that they had some bad news for us.

When the clock hit noon on my laptop, I began to shake. My body felt so cold, like I was frozen. This is what shock feels like, I thought. This is what post-traumatic stress disorder is like. I could swear I heard the doorbell.

My boss is an extremely understanding man (and friend). He dismissed me for the day. I dissolved into tears under my blankets.

I talked out loud to Stef. I cried. I shook. I slept for 3 hours.

There is always a tap on my shoulder a day or so after someone I love dies. Not a figurative tap - a literal one. It happened after my dad, my cousin, my mom, and now my daughter. It's almost like someone takes their hand and shoves my right shoulder - always the right shoulder - forward a little bit. It is like they are saying, "Still here! Gotcha!"

I felt that tap on the day before the funeral. She was still here, watching, waiting to see the grand memorial service I put on for her. I hope she liked it.

I am frozen. When I thaw, I need to write all of this. As a friend said, "Who knows who it could help?"

Peace - D

[photo credit]


Jay said...

Of course you're frozen, D. It's normal and natural for the mind to freeze under conditions likely to unhinge it, and deep grief can do that to you. Your mind is protecting itself. Go with the flow, honey. You will thaw.

Meanwhile, take care of your body. Rest when you need to, eat when you need to, cry when you need to. And let the grief roll over you and it will eventually lessen.

No-one expects anything much from you right now, and you shouldn't expect too much from yourself.


septembermom said...

Just "be" for now. The words will all come out naturally in time. You have a gift for writing. That will never leave you. Hugs to you.

Akelamalu said...

Grief is a very personal thing, only you can feel your grief. Everyone else's is different and we all have different ways of dealing with it - no right, no wrong way. Just know that you will get through in your own time. Still praying and sending Reiki for you all. xx

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

We have such a fast-food/instant gratification society. We all expect each other and ourselves to snap-to when it comes to our lives and even after we suffer such a chaotic moment, there's a part of us that wonders, "What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I snap out of it?"

But you're not supposed to snap out of it. The Victorians had it right when they wore black for a year. A WHOLE YEAR! The very idea. Here in America, we're lucky if we're given 90 days to mourn then "get over" our loved one.

Take your time, hon. No worries. No stress.

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

This could help YOU!!

If you are feeling the thaw even the tiniest little bit. Then you know you have some life to live. For yourself. For Stef. For your Husband and son.

You honour your daughter by getting up in the morning, the afternoon or the evening.You honour her by putting one foot in front of the other. You honour her by writing. You honour her by breathing in and out.

My brave friend. I feel honoured to read your words. To feel a small slice of your pain. To tell you to hold on. To hope. STill.

FFF xa

tysdaddy said...

Watching you go through this is tearing me up. Not your fault, of course. It's just so hard when a friend is hurting.

We'll be here, when you open up . . .

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I am just beginning to thaw from the death of my father, and that was over 3 years ago, and it was my father, not my daughter...

It will take time. Lots of time.

Just breathe. And try to be patient.

Woman in a Window said...

Let yourself to a natural course. It will take you where you need to go. In the meantime know there are many holding you close.

San said...

This is a beautiful post, Doris, despite the fact you're feeling uncreative.

Take care of yourself. Rest. Grieve. No one is expecting more of you.

I had the same spammer. What a pain to go through and remove all of those links.

Cloudia said...

You are healing. It takes time. Ignore well meaning "friends" who have advice!
Just BE
know best.
Aloha, Sistah

Annette said...

:o( ((HUG))

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

This stuff is very god for shock related 'stuff'

Emergency Mist


Excellent for any emotional upset. It has a calming effect during a crisis. If a person needs specialised medical help, this Essence will provide comfort until treatment is available. Administer this remedy every hour or more frequently if necessary, until the person feels better.

Bush Flower Essences: Angelsword, Crowea, Dog Rose of the Wild Forces, Fringed Violet, Grey Spider Flower, Sundew and Waratah.
** Slender Rice Flower and Spinifex have also been added to the Cream formulation.

hope you feel better better after some rest

Maggie May said...

Of course you are frozen, that is natural when you lose a loved one.
You will thaw with time and be able to function again. In the meantime, don't fight it, you have had a terrible shock. You are not a robot. You have feelings and need time to process them.
(Hugs) Love and prayers. X

the walking man said...

19 days since Stephanie passed and you're still not over her life? What's the matter with you?

Geez Doris give yourself some credit for continuing the slow steady pace this isn't some damn race to a finish line.

The process that you learned about is working, so take it easy on yourself...the energy and flow will come as it comes and no sooner no matter how you wish it were today...be patient with your thinking and processing.


TheWritersPorch said...

D...I agree totally with Jay!
You will thaw but don't push it!
She is there....

Moannie said...

I do hope our words help, Doris. They seem so inadequate, empty, yet know that they convey our deepest sympathy anddesire to be there, holding your hand, hugging you, a million shoulders to lean on.

Syd said...

I took a lot of comfort in knowing that my mother's energy was around me. It made me feel better. She left not long after the funeral as if to say "I'm okay. I'm gone now. You be okay too" Maybe Stef is giving you that shove to let you know to keep moving forward...one foot in front of the other.

Kelly (conversemomma) said...

I am here. I am reading. I care about you. I know that is not enough, but it is something I can give you today.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

It should help in some way but you will feel like this for a while. Give yourself some time and lots of space. You have a lifetime of memories to remember.

CJ xx

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Well said. Write what you can when you can. Spring will come eventually.

Mental P Mama said...

Please be gentle with yourself. Sending you light and love.


When I lost my mom,and she was still a young woman, only 58, I was completely devastated, as you are now. It's been 2 1/1 years since she passed, and it is still devastating to me if I allow myself to think about her or miss her to much. I know she is still with me, and your beautiful Stef will always be with you too my friend, alwaysssssssss.
It will get easier, but nothing is ever the same.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, take care my dear friend, lots of love,
Julian :)

SandyCarlson said...

As you struggle to create, you create. My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what you are feeling, but you say how you feel and bring my heart to the table. In peace and wishing you peace.

Real Live Lesbian said...

That's why I wrote my suicide story...you just never know.

Hang in there, Sweetie. I'm so glad you got that tap. How comforting.

® ♫ The Brit ♪ ® said...

Dear Doris,
I'm not around lately but I have been thinking of you so much... had to come here to leave you a message.
There's nothing I could say that could possibly do any good, as I know what a terrible thing grief is, even more so at such an early stage, but please know that I am here, my shoulder is here: just as you have always been there for me...
my thoughts are with you at this truly terrible time dear friend and I pray that you find peace within yourself - Your Daughter will always be with you.
Big Loving Hugs To You My Wonderful Friend - Sending A Strong Heartfelt Embrace From Brasil To The U.S

Annette said...

I left something for you at my blog. You don't have to do a thing...just take a look if you feel like it and know that you are in my prayers.

RiverPoet said...

Just a note to say thank you all for the well wishes and continued support. Yes, I feel all the love out there, all the prayers, all the good energy and Reiki -- it's all helping me. It's amazing how your support lifts my spirits.

Thank you - D

TSannie said...

Give yourself time, and don't expect so much of yourself such a short time since your Stef has gone. You will find your way again, but it won't be tomorrow. And may the thoughts and prayers of friends, blogging, real, family or other buoy you. All you need to do right now is just float. Don't do anything but float. All will come in time.

You're always in my thoughts and prayers, Doris.

Ruth D~ said...

I'm sure it is PTSD, Doris. How could it not be? I think of you often . . . very often.

Jo said...

Gosh, Doris, I'm surprised you even tried to go back to work yet. You must be moving on autopilot. Be sure to take care of yourself!

Cath said...

Dearest Doris,
Any words I can find will not be enough. I just came over to hug you.


Lou said...

I was not familiar with your blog until recently. I just wanted you to know yet another heart aches for you.

Daryl said...

Lets hope it helps you .. xox

小貓咪 said...