** If you don't see your comment, there's a chance it got deleted by me pushing the wrong button...please write something else if you are of a mind to... sorry **
Hands poised above the keyboard...nothing.
Thoughts rushing in....nothing.
Can't write a poem.
Can't write a decent post.
Can't seem to do much of anything.
A friend said to me, "You're creative. There are some pretty cool ways of memorializing Stef."
Yes, there are, but I can't seem to get there yet. The grief is too acute.
Yesterday I tried to work, and I lasted five hours. Started at 7 and made it to noon. At noon on the last day I had worked (4/3/09), police officers rang the doorbell and respectfully asked Pete if they could come in, that they had some bad news for us.
When the clock hit noon on my laptop, I began to shake. My body felt so cold, like I was frozen. This is what shock feels like, I thought. This is what post-traumatic stress disorder is like. I could swear I heard the doorbell.
My boss is an extremely understanding man (and friend). He dismissed me for the day. I dissolved into tears under my blankets.
I talked out loud to Stef. I cried. I shook. I slept for 3 hours.
There is always a tap on my shoulder a day or so after someone I love dies. Not a figurative tap - a literal one. It happened after my dad, my cousin, my mom, and now my daughter. It's almost like someone takes their hand and shoves my right shoulder - always the right shoulder - forward a little bit. It is like they are saying, "Still here! Gotcha!"
I felt that tap on the day before the funeral. She was still here, watching, waiting to see the grand memorial service I put on for her. I hope she liked it.
I am frozen. When I thaw, I need to write all of this. As a friend said, "Who knows who it could help?"
Peace - D