This morning I wrote my daughter's obituary. It gave me no pleasure that the funeral director commented on how clear and precise the obituary was.
Tomorrow her death notice will appear in the paper. These aren't things that should happen in the life of a parent. It is unnatural to be living through this hell.
I chose a funerary urn that was so Stephanie. It is ebony with gold engravings all over it. It borders on gaudy, but instead it appears exotic, as she was. Pete will have a smaller version of the urn with some of her remains in it to have on his desk or wherever he wishes to carry her. I chose an ornate cylinder pendant which will hold some of her remains. I will always be able to wear her next to my heart. Her urn will have a special place of honor in our home.
Even her grandmother, the last surviving grandparent, will have a tiny urn filled with Stephanie's ashes.
Maybe I could not make her happy in life, but I firmly believe that in Heaven, where she now resides with all of our family members who have gone ahead of us (including her beloved Grandpa), she looks down on us and knows - just knows in the clarity only those who have become one with God know - that we love her with an intensity that knows no bounds.
Our phones have been ringing unceasingly. People want to know what they can do. Can they bring her back? I only wish I had one more chance to try one more time to bring her out of the darkness in which her heart always lived.
The outpouring of love and support from all of you has been such a blessing to my family. Thank you.
We are asking that if you have it in your heart to make a memorial donation (because for a memorial service, flowers would be one more thing for us to deal with that we just can't), please donate to the Lupus Foundation of America (www.lupus.org) or the National Alliance on Mental Illness (www.nami.org). And if not, please just keep praying for her soul.
Thank you - D