Saturday, May 9, 2009

Mother's Day


Tomorrow is my first Mother's Day without Stephanie.

When I had my first one, she was four months old, tiny little thing...trying to sit up on her own. She was so cute. Blonde hair, blue eyes, dimpled cheeks, knees, and elbows. I never knew that she wouldn't be here to see me into old age. I never had an inkling that I would say goodbye to her lifeless body just as I had once said hello to her freshly born body.

I remember breathing in her new smell, that freshness that I wish I could have bottled up. When I said my final goodbye to her, I leaned over her body and inhaled the scent of her hair. It smelled of shampoo and that unique Stephanie smell, something so undefinable that I'm sure only I could smell it. She was of my body. She was of my blood. For 9 months I kept her safe and warm, cloaked within me. If only I'd been able to do the same throughout her life.

Tomorrow my son will undoubtedly make the day special for me, but oh, how I will miss my daughter.

Hold your babies tightly today, Mamas.

Peace - D

31 comments:

Sandy said...

Happy Mother's Day, D. Hugs.

Maggie May said...

I am very, very sad for you.
That made me cry. XOX

HEATHER said...

When my uncle commited suicide, I do know that my grandmother(his mom) was so consumed by grief that she lost her will to live. I don't tell you this to upset you, but hopefully that you will be able to find a way to live for your son.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I can not imagine your grief.

Ms Hen said...

hugs....

SandyCarlson said...

My heart goes out to you. Such a special lady. She was blessed to have you for a mother. God bless, friend.

Hilary said...

My heart goes out to you this day.. and every day.

septembermom said...

I think about you often. Hugs :)

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I will squeeze my little ones tight. People seem to forget that it isn't the gifts, cards or food. It the being together. She is with you in spirit. I hope you feel that even more strongly tomorrow.

Cloudia said...

We love you!!!!!!!
Aloha, Doris

Syd said...

Take care of yourself and enjoy being with your son, Doris. I'm sure that Stephanie is with you in spirit. She always will be.

Jay said...

I know it will be so difficult for you, D, and I wish I could come and hug you.

No doubt, it will be difficult for your son, too, and for Mr D, and for everyone else in your family who loved her.

Hug your son, and enjoy your time with him. We none of us know what will be in our future.

the walking man said...

Doris, it is a tragedy. No parent should be forced to outlive their child and it be only natural that your thoughts will want to center on the one child that is missing. It is certain that in the loss your womb will find longing and pain.

Yet you bore two children within that womb. I know that in your natural grace you will find comfort in the living to help you continue on in the face of the loss.

The child that sleeps, sleeps; but the other yet is awake and in want of your care. Doesn't he have his own smell and doesn't he yet create warmth within you?

It is good advice you give dear friend...hold your babies tight.

Affectionately

a mother's son

SOUL: said...

doris, i remember my first childless mothers day like it was ten minutes ago. it came less than 5 or six weeks after my baby son died. it's been so long ago now, but i still miss him. he would be a young man now. turning 21 in october. i can only imagine what a year this would be if were here. i wonder about so much when i think about him. especially near the birthdays. the milestones , you know? 21. it hardly seems possible sometimes. he would probably already be making the big party night plans-- that surely wouldn't include me. he'd surely have some souped up car-- knowing my husband -- he'd be polishing and scrubbing that car already-- all these months before his big day.
there will always be days like this that you will not be able to not think about--or miss your baby. the smell you mentioned-- that is a page in your life that will not fade. you'll smell that stephanie smell forever. just like the newborn one. it's a mom thing.
but it doesn't mean it has to be a sad thing.
i'm with you today-- i hope you find a way to be happy with your son in something, whatever it is. he hurts too. and he hurts for you as well.

big hugs my friend...
look for her in the little things today-- she is with you-- maybe a bird-- or a flower-- something will catch your eye -- and you will know that it's her , saying hello, and she wants you to be happy.

ps-- i was very happy to see you at my place the other day-- i've missed you there.

take care-- you'll get through this. i promise.

Seamus said...

Big HUGS!!!

Moannie said...

I've been holding you tightly, Doris. I won't let go until you are feeling better.

Akelamalu said...

It will be hard to enjoy Mothers Day without Stephanie but I'm sure your son will make it special for you. x

Employee No. 3699 said...

Lovely lady, you are in my thoughts. I can't imagine how hard it has been for you...and now Mother's Day. I'm sure Stephanie is watching over you, as you once watched over her. Stay strong friend.

Happy Mother's Day.

Marty said...

My prayer for you on this Mother's Day.

Jo said...

Doris, you carried your daughter under your heart for nine months, and now you will carry her in your heart forever. She will always be with you. I hope you will find some peace.

ConverseMomma said...

I hope you were able to smile yesterday.

Happy Mother's Day, my friend.

Real Live Lesbian said...

I hope your day was memorable with your son. Beautiful post.

Daryl said...

the first of many special events marred by her absence .. but you are not childless .. love your son, hold him close and cherish his love ...

Jules~ said...

Dear Doris, I am so sorry. I hope that somewhere in the midst of yesterday you were able to feel tender peace in your heart. I know your son must have loved on your like never before.

I am praying for you.

SOUL: said...

hi, just checkin in on ya-- hope you made it through yesterday ok. hope it was a good day.
hugs

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Hope you made it through Mothers' Day OK, hon. I hate it that it's become a day of sadness. I'm thinking about you, always, and hugging my three a little tighter.

And they still squirm. :)

Cath said...

Even though I am here late, that made me cry.
I hope you got through it ok.

More hugs.

Lavinia said...

A belated Mother's Day greeting to you Doris. Reading this heartbreaking post....I will follow your final sentence, Doris. If only we could keep them as safe and protected as they were when they were in our wombs, throughout their entire lives! Alas, it is not to be....

San said...

Such beautiful recollections of those precious early baby days. I know your Mother's Day was lonely and sad, in many ways. I can't imagine.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Thinking about you just as always, sweet Poetess...

Brave and terribly sad words, and you have found beauty there too... Blessings to you to get through each day, we are holding you tightly too... Much love, xox

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

SOrry I am just reading this now. I hope you survived the day in one piece. I can't imagine the difficulty...

Don Mills Diva said...

I think of you often Doris and wish you peace.