Monday, December 14, 2009


There is something that feels so incredibly good about working the body. I noticed that when I went on a short walk with Lily (my bulldog) this morning to get the mail. The air was unseasonably warm - upper 50s - and the sun was peeking from behind the clouds which had been on us all weekend. The ankle I sprained falling down the stairs a week or so ago is stronger now and held up just fine as I walked along our gravel driveway. No splint. No swelling.

It is days like this that make me feel that I wish I could run or take the bike out for a ride. It is days like this in which I feel that I want to keep moving this body to keep the MS from overtaking it. Can you outrun a disease? If you can, I will do my best to do just that. I was feeling particularly strong today, emotionally.

Last week was a bit of a disaster, though, because the grief was impossible to outrun. The anger welled up in me like a flow of lava, about to overrun my mouth - and on occasion it did. You never really want to take anything out on the people you love, but at times I did, because I couldn't help it. The anger was so strong in me - rage against God, against the universe, against death itself - that I could not hold it in. When asked how I felt when it was that strong, I said, "If you really want to know, I want my heart to stop beating so that I can hold my daughter again."

In reality, I have to let it beat as long as it will. What would it do to my son if my heart were to stop beating? What would it do to him to even know that I feel this way? Yet I'm certain he has felt this way from time to time since Stef's death. There is something about losing someone so close to you that makes you say things you wouldn't normally say and do things you wouldn't normally do. It is all part of the process. I guess, if Elizabeth Kubler-Ross were to analyze me, I'd be placed squarely in the Anger phase of grief. I thought I'd felt anger early on, but as they tell me in all the literature about loss and grief, we go through the phases several times, uniquely. I ran through them several times, quickly, like an LED sign scrolling and flashing. Now I'm going on a different journey, becoming immersed in a particular emotion when it's time. Now is the time for anger, I suppose.

I've got to find a safe way to get the emotions out, and I will. Thrashing about, hitting the door or the interior of my car, isn't the way. I'll injure myself for sure, and I don't need any more injury. But I find that physicality, moving my body, is a great way to get some of the stress and anger out. Maybe by drilling a thousand holes in the volcano, the lava will gently ooze, cooling as it flows, instead of blowing the cap off the top.

If you're flying over, however, don't be surprised if you see the glow of angst and rage that still boils in me over the loss of my child. It's early in the process yet, but I will heal. I know I will heal.

Peace - D

[image credit]


Ms Hen said...

...some books I read said to watch comedy shows for months and months.. to laugh a lot.

Well it can't hurt.. and who knows..

a million hugs (hugs)

ms hen (keeping you in my prayers)

RiverPoet said...

Thanks, Ms Hen. I do watch a lot of romantic comedies and silly shows. We also tend to watch comedians around here, and I just reviewed a book about the start of many well-known comedians during the comedians strike of 1978. Funny, huh?

I'll keep it up, though, because it can't hurt. Peace - D

Mental P Mama said...

I cannot even imagine what you must be feeling, but keep on moving and writing....It is a way to honor your love for Stephanie and it helps you heal. Hugs.

Maggie May said...

Can you outrun a disease! Well have a darn good try! Doctors think I killed off my primary cancer!

I have got angry in the past. You have every right to be, losing a child. I was angry when I first heard about my disease. Now the fighting attitude is taking over.
keep up the good fight! Don't EVER let up.

Nuts in May

Moannie said...

How did I miss that...the MS, dear God...will it never end? I am so sorry, tell God enough already. My mum had MS and, once she had got over the 'why me' phase, she fought like a tiger and, in the end, had a good lfe. Hers came slowly, allowing her to adjustto every change, no remissions ever-all cases seem to differ;now there are more and better treatments and discoveries.

Sock it to 'em girl.

Syd said...

I know that you will heal too. Your daughter will never be forgotten but healing will occur. Take care of yourself Doris.

Cloudia said...

Hearts are with you!!!

Aloha, Friend

Comfort Spiral

Bob Sanchez said...

I wish you healing and peace.

Bob Sanchez

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Get yourself into a dimly lit room with lots of soft cushions and bash and hack and cry away, sweetie... It's good to get that anger out, to give it vent and not bottle it up... We're afraid of allowing ourselves to lose control sometimes, but I read that advice in a great self-help book at one point (Gael Lindenfeld, or ...field?)

Sending you blessings and cyber-hugs x