Thursday, January 21, 2010

Authenticity

I've been giving a lot of thought the last twenty-four hours to the authenticity of one's voice in a blog. It took me a while, when I first started this blog in late 2007, to find my own groove, to find my own voice. It was meant to be a blog to highlight some of my poetry, but my poetic juices seem to have dried up for awhile. So now I simply take "poetic license" with topics that interest me and put my own spin on them.

That's what I've done lately, too. Every story has many facets, and you are only seeing the events from my eyes, through my heart, and with my own bias. Let's just leave it at the fact that stress and codependency and life events led to one very bad night that caused me to leave my lover and partner, but we are talking again. It's good. We're giving each other plenty of space and time, more than either of us want to, in order to have hopes for the future. We think we're worth it, but some of our friends and family may think we need to have our heads examined.

I've been sick for the last week, suffering from extreme allergies. I lived without cats in the house for the last 8 months, and now I'm in the house with 3 of them, one of whom insists on sleeping right next to me. I've done my best to rid the house of dust and dander, but that is a daily task. This afternoon the doctor will see me and perhaps will prescribe me a preventive inhaler and new allergy meds. Over-the-counter Zyrtec isn't cutting it--neither are Sudafed, Benadryl, or my albuterol inhaler. Earlier today I was short of breath and exhausted from so little sleep, had to take the rest of the day off to see the doctor. He will be working me in now.

Stress, so many changes, so many demands on us - all of those things led up the to early morning of January 10th. That is when I said, 'Enough!" But I will never have enough of her. As long as we love each other and sincerely want to seek help individually, I believe there is a chance for a healthier future for the two of us.

Still, this blog is mine and contains only my thoughts, feelings, and perspective. Sometimes my voice may be harshly used to vent, but it is my authentic voice you're hearing. I don't normally air my dirty laundry so publicly as I did this time. I was hurt, sure, but I acted childishly. Still, the words remain. They are my thoughts from those few days. Don't hate or be angry with anyone on my behalf. Just realize that I am still in recovery and trying to negotiate my way through this life as are each of you. Sometimes we stumble. We are never perfect. We are never "recovered," just in recovery, and I hope my story illustrates that point a little bit.

It was all I could do not to run back to her arms as soon as we started talking again, but I know that if we each take this time to work on our own recovery, we will be so much better as a couple in the end. I do love her, and I am hoping that this story has a happy ending someday.

Peace - D

10 comments:

Leslie: said...

Doris, I really wish you well. It is amazing what we will accept from those we love, but do keep in mind that abuse of any kind is not acceptable. If she has anger issues, then I hope she'll get professional help. And hopefully you can get professional counseling together.

Maggie May said...

D, she has abused you when you were weak. This is a typical victim's way of thinking. I am sorry that you might not like what I say.
Please be very careful. It was really a serious assault and the one who did it always swears undying love and that it won't happen again. Only I think it probably will.
Please follow Leslie's advice. X

Nuts in May

Doris said...

Leslie & Maggie -

It isn't that I don't see your point. Truly. This is why we're giving ourselves LOTS of time. As I said, I don't have my bags packed, and you're just saying what others around me are already saying.

There are details and nuances I won't share here, but I do appreciate your support. Unfortunately my partner and her family read this blog, and I'd say that is creating some conflict both within me and within us. It's never been easy for us. Seems like everyone has opinions and biases and sides they take.

As I told her, though, ultimately it comes down to her and me. If we can get healthy, then we will make a go of it.

Peace - D

BREZZ said...

i hope this has a happy ending too--- i am not here to judge or preach to or at you-- but i do hope you will listen to your head, and not your heart -- at least about the important stuff.

B said...

I have to admit, I don't agree with your decision, but I love ya like crazy anyway; and you know that God does, too! Keep writing and get well soon! I know it's miserable being sick!

Syd said...

Ultimately, I believe that we each know the truth that is within. I chose unhealthy people to be in relationships with for most of my life. I see that I don't need to do that anymore. It's about truth, choices, and balance in recovery.

Moannie said...

If your abuser had been a man, Doris everyone would, without fail be warning you against returning. I hope, with everything crossed [including my eyes, making it rather difficult to peck out these wrords] that you remember that THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR VIOLENCE TOWARDS SOMEONE YOU PROFESS TO LOVE. NO EXCUSE UNDER THE SUN.
Be sure, dear girl...be very sure.

Huge hugs.

Daryl said...

Moannie said it best ... I echo her.

Jo said...

Doris, I have to agree with Moannie. Abuse is not acceptable from anyone -- in any form. I think part of the condition of your returning to your partner, is that she get professional help beforehand, so that it doesn't happen again.

You know, hate is not the opposite of love -- indifference is. I believe you two love each other very much, and I do believe people can work things out. BUT I think a person gets only once chance. It's like the old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me...!"

I wish you all the happiness, Doris. Goodness knows you have earned it.

RiverPoet said...

I love you all. Don't think all this hasn't gone through my head over and over again (until well after 3 am last night). I'll know what to do when push comes to shove. I'm listening.

Peace - D