I've been giving a lot of thought the last twenty-four hours to the authenticity of one's voice in a blog. It took me a while, when I first started this blog in late 2007, to find my own groove, to find my own voice. It was meant to be a blog to highlight some of my poetry, but my poetic juices seem to have dried up for awhile. So now I simply take "poetic license" with topics that interest me and put my own spin on them.
That's what I've done lately, too. Every story has many facets, and you are only seeing the events from my eyes, through my heart, and with my own bias. Let's just leave it at the fact that stress and codependency and life events led to one very bad night that caused me to leave my lover and partner, but we are talking again. It's good. We're giving each other plenty of space and time, more than either of us want to, in order to have hopes for the future. We think we're worth it, but some of our friends and family may think we need to have our heads examined.
I've been sick for the last week, suffering from extreme allergies. I lived without cats in the house for the last 8 months, and now I'm in the house with 3 of them, one of whom insists on sleeping right next to me. I've done my best to rid the house of dust and dander, but that is a daily task. This afternoon the doctor will see me and perhaps will prescribe me a preventive inhaler and new allergy meds. Over-the-counter Zyrtec isn't cutting it--neither are Sudafed, Benadryl, or my albuterol inhaler. Earlier today I was short of breath and exhausted from so little sleep, had to take the rest of the day off to see the doctor. He will be working me in now.
Stress, so many changes, so many demands on us - all of those things led up the to early morning of January 10th. That is when I said, 'Enough!" But I will never have enough of her. As long as we love each other and sincerely want to seek help individually, I believe there is a chance for a healthier future for the two of us.
Still, this blog is mine and contains only my thoughts, feelings, and perspective. Sometimes my voice may be harshly used to vent, but it is my authentic voice you're hearing. I don't normally air my dirty laundry so publicly as I did this time. I was hurt, sure, but I acted childishly. Still, the words remain. They are my thoughts from those few days. Don't hate or be angry with anyone on my behalf. Just realize that I am still in recovery and trying to negotiate my way through this life as are each of you. Sometimes we stumble. We are never perfect. We are never "recovered," just in recovery, and I hope my story illustrates that point a little bit.
It was all I could do not to run back to her arms as soon as we started talking again, but I know that if we each take this time to work on our own recovery, we will be so much better as a couple in the end. I do love her, and I am hoping that this story has a happy ending someday.
Peace - D