Saturday, January 23, 2010


Hey everyone -

It's been a long couple of weeks with lots of stress, allergies, and very little sleep. I appreciate all your concern, feedback, and comments, because really, you're the ones who have been along for this 2+ year ride with me on this blog. You've seen me at my best and at my worst, but you've kept reading. I appreciate that.

The last couple of nights I've been mulling over whether or not I even want to continue blogging because of the time commitment. After all, I'm going to be starting back into my grad program at Hood College as soon as possible, and I'm working full-time already. I managed all that before, but I feel a little more fragile now.

It isn't that I don't like writing here. I love it! But I have little time to visit and comment on your blogs these days - certainly since last April when Stephanie died. Between my work life and my personal life, I've had little time to blog. Many of my readers have drifted away or stopped commenting because I'm not reciprocating.

One thing I have found, though, is that I have quite a lot of writing accumulated over the last two years in my various blogs. That content gives me the full context for the death of my daughter, which gives me enough to go on with a book. To date, my writing has included engineering books, software manuals, historical fiction, book reviews, and yes, poetry. This would be a different kind of book - a book about grieving the loss of an adult child.

You see, so many well-meaning people think that if you saw your child through adulthood, it shouldn't be as hard to lose him or her. After all, they weren't taken out of here with childhood cancer or something so tragic. Nothing feels more tragic to me than the loss of my daughter, though she was 25. We, her family, were there for her through good times (a beautiful childhood, band concerts, her fascination with all things dinosaur, and her love of all things creative) and bad (mental illness, self-mutilation, rebellion, and substance abuse). We saw her get better, get worse, then get better again. We saw her turning a corner, and then she was gone.

My friend and her family have a similar story. These kids get lost in the shuffle. If you read Beautiful Boy by David Sheff (or Tweak by his son Nic), you will know that the stories are many and that my friend and I are lucky that our children didn't end up John and Jane Doe. My heart is bursting to put Stephanie's story out there, and I think that would be a valuable use of my time right now. What better way to cope with pain than to give it a creative outlet?

I'm still undecided on the blogging thing. I suppose I could just keep putting it out here and see what happens. Spend a little time updating you on my progress through the project and see if you still come around. It isn't that I won't be dropping in on you, but I don't have the energy right now to do a lot of blog browsing. I will when I can, though.

Love and peace - D


Moannie said...

You must do what is best for you, Doris. Certainly writing a book about Stef's life will be fulfilling for you and will clear your mind, enabling you to sort through your quite normal feelings of 'where did I go wrong' or 'what more could I have done' the answers to both questions being nothing and nothing. But do not leave us totally, keep leaving updates so that those who care [and isn't it a marvellous thing that we do all care so much for someone we will never meet?] can continue to encourage, chivvy, and hug you.

If we still visit you even though you do not have time to visit us, do so because it is important to us to know you are ok, that you are getting through the days, and getting better.
Huge hugs. Annie

Maggie May said...

D...... I am so pleased that you are continuing with studies and I think writing a book would be good therapy for you.
I will come over when I am feeling well enough. Some times I am not but I hope to keep the bond we formed from the past.
No one but YOU knows how it feels, D. We can only guess at how we THINK we would feel.

Nuts in May

Ms Hen said...

Hey, there is NO Rules in Blogland.

I personally don't write for anyone to comment. I write to get it out to the UNIVERSE. :)

And it has helped me the last year; along with 2.5 years of al-anon and 6 months of ACOA.

I ramble.. call it the STREAM of UNCONSICOUSNESS>. and leave spelling errors and grammar area as I type superfast. :)

No rules.. you can blog when and if you want.. to get it out.. whether you have time to reciprocate on other bloggers blogs.

I love how you are going to MAKE it and STRIVE. ((hugs)).

Be good to Doris first and foremost..

Daryl said...

If you blog, we will come.

RiverPoet said...

Hugs to all of you. It was a very rough night last night. Very little sleep. So many things to think about. I appreciate your love, kindness, generosity, and awareness of me - a simple writer in this vast blogland. It amazes me.

Peace - D

BREZZ said...

there is no such thing as a 'good' or a 'better' time to lose a child... it doesn't matter if they're 4 months in the womb-- 4 months old-- or 44 years old. they will always be our baby. it will always be a piece of a parents soul that goes with them when they go. it is against nature for a parent to outlive a child. it isn't supposed to happen that way.

i understand.

i hope you don't stop writing-- you just got back. but if that's what you have to do-- that's what you have to do.
we'll be here when you come back
big hugs D
or AKA soul

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Syd said...

I hope that you will keep going with the blog. I like what you share. And besides I feel connected with you through the blogging. Do what you can and what makes sense given the time that you have. I just hope that you won't stop altogether.

sasdf15f said...

Better late than never.

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