Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Just Call Me Shell-y

I'm like a chocolate Easter bunny. On the outside, I seem substantial, even festive at times. You admire the candy blue eyes and my bonnet, your mouth watering as you get ready to take that first bite, to learn my first tale of bunny-dom.

And then you find, when you've bitten off my ears, I'm hollow inside, a shell of my former self.

When Stef died, something in me died, too. My son complained to his father that I wasn't as strong as I used to be, that I cried all the time. That's true. There are nights in which I feel I'd like to carve her name into my skin with my own fingernails, when I feel that I'd like to will my heart to stop beating. And yet, as Sonny & Cher first declared, the beat goes on.

It's rough, being the mom who survives her child. Most days, I muddle through, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes there is almost a little skip in my step. And then I stumble on something. Often that something is invisible to everyone else. Picking myself up, I dust myself off and try to pretend the stumble didn't happen. It did, though. The stumble goes on and on and on, like I'm falling through an M.C. Escher drawing.

Many of you have been incredibly supportive, more so than I'm sure I deserve, but tonight is a bad night. It's an interminable night. It's a night that is full of memories and blame and guilt and worry.

All I can do is to endure it.

My son is wrong, though. I must be incredibly strong not to have already succumbed to this smothering grief.



Ms Hen said...

You are Strong. And you deserve of everyone's support.In the Recovery Blogs.. this could have happened to an of our children. We all fear that possibility. My daughter is healed; due to nothing I did or not do right.... but it was scary awhile back.. Hugs.

Moannie said...

May I ask, in all humility, if you are having some grief counselling? You are strong, my dear, but you need extra help-the love and caring of your friends is not enough, you have issues to work through and you need help.

Please forgive my interference.

Daryl said...

Moannie is right ..

Syd said...

Doris, I think that it helps to reach out to someone when I'm having a "dark night of the soul". I hope that there is a sponsor, a spiritual friend that you can talk to. That is the wonderment of the recovery program--that I know that I can reach out to my Higher Power, to my sponsor, or to other members of the fellowship when I am having a bad time.

RiverPoet said...

Folks, today is a better day, but yes, I am in the process of finding a new counselor who is local to me, someone that has some experience with grief support. Thank you for your comments, concern, and love. I will be alright, because I do have a strong support system. It's just some days very hard not to blame myself for my daughter's death.

Heather, if you're out there, I am giving some thought to your comment telling me that some people mix in some of their loved one's ashes into the tattoo ink. I'm planning to get this done 4/3/10.

Peace - D

Fab, feisty and fifty... said...

D, l've just refound you, not seeing you on your ranchito lately...l see youve been hiding out here..

sorry to read you are so sad...I can only send you love, and hope ad wish you health and strength...
saz xc

San said...

Sorry I stumbled on this post after you were feeling better. I'm so glad you're feeling better, but I wish I'd responded earlier, during the trough period.

Moanie and Daryl are right though. I'd think you're working with someone on these issues, since you've already studied grief counseling, but I can only imagine that it must be very, very scary to ponder working through it. My heart goes out to you, lovely D. Again and again.