Monday, February 22, 2010

Scattered


I hate it when I feel like crying for no reason, though I know there is always a reason, deep down.

My friends who lost their son just passed the 2-month anniversary over the weekend. I couldn't reach them by phone or text, which worried me, but I remember dissolving into a puddle of tears on Denise's bathroom floor when I hit that same milestone. It felt like I was hitting a brick wall. I'm hoping they are picking themselves up off the floor.

It's been nearly 11 months now since I lost Stephanie; can you believe it? It seems like yesterday to me.

Today I'm feeling the rawness of it all, still. My first appointment with my new counselor is on Friday afternoon. I can't wait, really. My last counselor was good, but I need someone now who is less afraid to really peel back the grief. My previous counselor saw me through the codependency and angst that I suffered between 2006 and 2009. Now I need someone fresh, I think, who can deal directly with my grief.

March 24 I will be returning to school, though through a different program. It will still enable me to become a counselor, but it will be completely distance education, two classes per quarter. Wish me luck.

For now, I'm just trying to get through one minute at a time. It's a very difficult day.

Peace - D

[image credit]

8 comments:

Maggie May said...

11mths is no time at all and I think it is good that you will be having counselling. You seem to be taking all the right steps..... so pleased you are going on with the study.
Good luck with it all.
I felt like crying today too. In fact my crying sometimes comes out dry with no tears. Does that make sense?

Nuts in May

RiverPoet said...

Thanks, Maggie. I just got through having a good cry on the phone with my son. There are times he needs to do that and times I need to do that. We get each other through those moments of missing Stef. Nobody loved her like we did.

I hope you are doing better.

Peace - D

Ms Hen said...

It's only 11 months... (hugs). My heart goes out to you.. Doris. I'm glad you are going to school again. You'll be a great counselor....... compassionate and wise from all you dealt with too.

Fab, feisty and fifty... said...

grief...l feel it too just now..though l'm sure l will hit a brick wall once my son and l have moved...

my daughter is breathing and you remind me this isnt so bad..just hurts so much...

Moannie said...

You are surviving Doris, minute by minute and it will lessen, the pain...it will. You are looking forward, and that is good...a new counsellor, a new occupation. Plod onwards dear girl-Your daughter would not wish this pain on you.

Syd said...

Doris, I am glad that you are going back to school and getting a new therapist--all such positive things. Grief will ebb and flow. I found that I just let it come. But this day will pass and there will be great joy to balance out the sorrow.

Daryl said...

Even tho you are hurting this post has a very positive feel to it and I hope that you find comfort ...

San said...

Doris, it's good you're determined to get through this. I hope the new counselor is talented, and as determined as you.