Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Darkest Hours

Life has been particularly hard lately. It's just weeks until the first anniversary of Stef's death, and it is hitting all of us like a sledgehammer, swung over and over on us until we are reduced to pulp. Lucid dreams come to me late at night, revealing nothing and everything, all at once.

Some of my old loyal readers have fallen away, I've noticed, likely because they don't want to hear the raw emotion of what I'm experiencing. Death is something people want to forget about quickly, at least when it didn't happen to someone close to them. They want me to get over it. They want me to go on. But this emotional upheaval is something I must write about. I have no other outlet.

My son hasn't spoken to me in days. He's having problems and has been taking some of them out on me. On Monday he "hung up" on me on Chat and hasn't made contact with me since. He's off his meds and is not taking responsibility for getting back on them. It's worrying me and upsetting me. I hate that I passed on the genes for mental illness - depression and bipolar disorder. I hate that my legacy is that of demons and dark places. Why couldn't I just have passed on the blue eyes and light hair without passing on the madness?

These are my darkest hours. These are my darkest thoughts. If I had a way to stop the pain that wouldn't hurt anyone else, I would. I just would.

D

5 comments:

Mental P Mama said...

I will be thinking of you all...and hoping that getting through this anniversary might be cathartic. Blessings.

Daryl said...

There's no agenda or schedule for healing. You do it at your own pace, in whatever way you find works for you ... I hope you all find comfort/peace ..

Maggie May said...

So many people are hurting. Sometimes I think the only solace is to know that.. That you are not alone.
Will be thinking of you.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Syd said...

But I am sure there are a host of good things that you have passed on. I like to think that the positives outweigh the negatives. I'm sure that this time is hard with Stef's death as a reminder. I believe that we move out of our grief when we are done grieving. Take care of yourself.

Moannie said...

This is awful, truly awful. How you must be hurting. Know that none of this is your fault, Doris, we have children because we have so much love to give them. We cannot be aware of what might be theirs because of us any more than our own parents were of their inheritance to us. We all have to make our coats according to our cloth, and we do the very best we can. It is still too soon, day by day, darling girl, day by day.