Monday, August 23, 2010
I don't expect anyone to really get it, but I wish they would.
Yes, I'm living in the guest room while my ex-husband lives in the master bedroom. Our son sleeps in the room he's always slept in. Occasionally we're all in the same place at the same time to eat dinner or chat, but mostly we do what we always did - our own thing.
I am no threat to anyone. I spend a lot of my time writing, reading, or working. I go out with my son to game night on Tuesdays for a few hours. I work on reconnecting with friends and making new ones. I'm looking into a local MCC church that would welcome me as just who I am - a lesbian.
Now that I've lived in my honesty and authenticity for a year-and-a-half, there should be no doubt to anyone (and there certainly is not to me) that I will not be going "backwards" to my old way of life. I know now what I always knew in my spirit - I'm gay. I don't want to be with a man ever again in that way. I don't hate men, I just know that they don't float my boat like a woman does. I found my truth, and I don't intend to go back.
My presence here has caused some concern and problems for a certain person, who is being pressured and told that because I'm here, I'll be wanting to get back together with Paul. Paul is my best friend and always will be. We don't sleep together (in any sense of that term), nor will we ever. Neither of us is interested in the other in that way. Maybe if we'd ever had a satisfying relationship romantically, and maybe if I weren't gay, there would be some pull to each other - but there isn't. We are simply best friends, and he gave me a place to stay when the storms hit.
We've had more problems with people not understanding that. It saddens me. It makes me wish I could just go get my own place right now and let him be. But we made an agreement together to get a few things taken care of before we do that again. So for now, I'm living in the guest room and getting back to being me (without all the tears and agony that accompanied the last few months of my life). I'm happy with me. I know who I am. He knows who I am. I guess the rest of the world will just have to accept that or not, as they are able to do so.
Peace - D
at 8:14 AM