Thursday, August 19, 2010
Each night when I go to bed, the bad memories come to me - the verbal and emotional battles, the tirade her cousin sent me, all the misinformation people had about me (through her, of course). I think about how I was kept at a distance from everyone and how I let that happen in order to please her. It haunts me, everything that happened, and it is robbing me of sleep.
I've tried to meditate and still my mind. In fact I think that's the only reason I get to sleep in the first place. But sometime during the night, I wake up inexplicably, sweating, heart racing, thinking about it all over again. I suppose it is a kind of post-traumatic stress. It is me wishing none of it had ever happened. Last night I was awake at 2:00, 3:45, and up for good at 6:00. I figured there was just no going back to bed after that.
In trying to figure out ways to deal with this cesspool of emotions, I looked up a local MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) about an hour from here. It's the church that is founded based on the principles that we are all children of God. Many gay (and straight) people go there because they are so welcoming and accepting. It's an hour drive - ouch, but that's as local as they get. The service is at 10:30 on Sunday, and I think I'll get up early on Sunday and go to that church. I need something spiritual in my life again, something positive. I didn't even get to go to church with D. She could not get past the pervasive thoughts that they were going to, as she put it, "throw us out on our heads." She never even gave them a chance. It was one more way to control me. I couldn't get back into recovery, and I couldn't meet any new friends at church. She threw similar tantrums if I talked about volunteering for hospice or doing anything outside the house that didn't involve her.
I saw my therapist for the first time since I've been back. We talked about all of this garbage, and she laughed when I said that they'd called me a control freak. She said, "Hasn't that been what we've been working on all this time? Getting you to GET more control of your life?" She wrote it off to me finding someone who had all the traits of my mother AND my father, a personality who isn't capable of mature love. She said, "Someday you'll see this as your terrible, brief second marriage." That made me feel somewhat better. The thought of there being a "someday" in which I will be able to put all this into perspective made me let out a relieved breath I didn't realize I'd been holding.
Now, if I could just get a little sleep, I know I'd feel better. Maybe tonight....
Peace - D
at 8:23 AM