Thursday, August 19, 2010


Each night when I go to bed, the bad memories come to me - the verbal and emotional battles, the tirade her cousin sent me, all the misinformation people had about me (through her, of course). I think about how I was kept at a distance from everyone and how I let that happen in order to please her. It haunts me, everything that happened, and it is robbing me of sleep.

I've tried to meditate and still my mind. In fact I think that's the only reason I get to sleep in the first place. But sometime during the night, I wake up inexplicably, sweating, heart racing, thinking about it all over again. I suppose it is a kind of post-traumatic stress. It is me wishing none of it had ever happened. Last night I was awake at 2:00, 3:45, and up for good at 6:00. I figured there was just no going back to bed after that.

In trying to figure out ways to deal with this cesspool of emotions, I looked up a local MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) about an hour from here. It's the church that is founded based on the principles that we are all children of God. Many gay (and straight) people go there because they are so welcoming and accepting. It's an hour drive - ouch, but that's as local as they get. The service is at 10:30 on Sunday, and I think I'll get up early on Sunday and go to that church. I need something spiritual in my life again, something positive. I didn't even get to go to church with D. She could not get past the pervasive thoughts that they were going to, as she put it, "throw us out on our heads." She never even gave them a chance. It was one more way to control me. I couldn't get back into recovery, and I couldn't meet any new friends at church. She threw similar tantrums if I talked about volunteering for hospice or doing anything outside the house that didn't involve her.

I saw my therapist for the first time since I've been back. We talked about all of this garbage, and she laughed when I said that they'd called me a control freak. She said, "Hasn't that been what we've been working on all this time? Getting you to GET more control of your life?" She wrote it off to me finding someone who had all the traits of my mother AND my father, a personality who isn't capable of mature love. She said, "Someday you'll see this as your terrible, brief second marriage." That made me feel somewhat better. The thought of there being a "someday" in which I will be able to put all this into perspective made me let out a relieved breath I didn't realize I'd been holding.

Now, if I could just get a little sleep, I know I'd feel better. Maybe tonight....

Peace - D


Maggie May said...

You are going to have to expect that you will feel bad while you work through this ordeal.
I am having to alter the way I think about everything because of my husband's & my own cancer, neither of which is curable.
I had been going to a lovely councillor who had been using CBT to help me to live in the present. Unfortunately she has now moved away.
She recommended some good books and now I am reading *Meaningfulness* by Rebecca Crane. It is all to do with choosing which thoughts you decide to think and living in the *now* without denying your feelings.
Maybe this would help you too?
Maggie X

Nuts in May

the walking man said...

Why think of lack of sleep as a bad thing? Use the time and your body will sleep when it needs it. I know you have to work and shit Kiddo but there comes a time when you just have to let the circadian rhythms rule.

RiverPoet said...

Maggie - Thanks for the wise words. I've started reading Pema Chodron's "Start Where You Are", which is all about some of the best tenets of Buddhism - being present. The past has nothing to offer me, yet some parts of the past I must hang onto - my daughter, for example, as I will never have a future with her in it. The key, I suppose is in letting the bad things go, sowing forgiveness, and moving on. Easier said than done.

WM - You know, you're right! When I was out of work for six months, I hardly slept, and it didn't bother me at all. I would write or knit or paint late into the night. Wish I could function at work and still do that. :-)

Peace - D

Syd said...

This is another grieving process with Denise. It may take some time. What's in the past doesn't have to control today.