I can accept karmic consequences for my actions. I understand the law of Karma -- that what we put out into the universe is what we get back. If we can live with the consequences of our actions, then we can do whatever we like. We don't always know how those actions will "come back around", but I do remember sitting at the hand of my teacher and having her say, "There is no concept of self or sin in Buddhism. The question is always, 'Am I willing to take the consequences for this action?'"
Right now I believe I am living through some of my consequences. This isn't the same as the notion of penance or punishment from an angry, vengeful God. It is just a spiritual law of which we see the proof every single day. Do this, and you might get that.
I've made amends for many things in my life, but for some, I've never quite forgiven myself or others. For example, though I tried to stay very anonymous for a very long time in my early blogging, I had one blog set up called Parenting the Mentally Ill. I wrote there as therapy for myself. I had very few readers and no advertisements. I didn't actively seek out people to read my blog; they just came there of their own accord and search. They never knew my name, but it was place for me to release some of the angst that came along with constantly dealing with my daughter's severe bipolar disorder. She was in and out of hospitals for years and tried every medication available, but nothing ever seemed to really help her. We went through hell sometimes, heaven other times. She was always our beloved daughter, but when she did things like pretend to have been poisoned or pretend to have breast cancer, I needed a place to go and release my feelings. Writing has always been my thing. Writing is how I release all of my thoughts and feelings, and anyone who personally knows me (or is a frequent reader of mine) knows that.
In fact, it was my oldest brother who suggested that I start a weblog to begin with. He knows me very well, and he knew it would help me deal with some of the things I was going through. Not long before I started the first blog, I was having a particularly hard time dealing with Stephanie and dealing with my feelings about my mother. The five of us kids grew up in a very violent home where we never quite felt safe. Writing was how I kept from losing my mind.
Now a smear campaign against me is going on on the ex's Facebook page - I know, I shouldn't be looking. You aren't the first to tell me that. I finally blocked her and every member of her family today so that I can't see what they're writing about me. They are posting item after item after item of armchair psychology articles about narcissistic personality disorder and blogging, trying to tie in the fact that I blog with the fact that I need constant love, admiration, and validation. That's not true. I would write this blog even if no one read it. It is part of my daily writing that I missed SO much when I was with D. She was insanely jealous of my time and made it very uncomfortable and impossible for me to write. If I'd wanted to write, I would have had to sequester myself in the locked bathroom to do so. She just didn't understand my intense need to get it all out of me.
They're calling me crazy and narcissistic. It's the pot calling the kettle black.
But am I dealing with the effects of karma? Am I dealing with the fact that I wrote about my daughter's mental illness online? I didn't ever mean for her to know about it, but she found out somehow and read my posts. She told me that it really hurt her to be labeled as mentally ill and to be written about by her own mother. I took that blog down, even though - as I said - it was anonymous. I didn't want to be the mother who hurt her child. I turned to my personal journal instead and wrote out my feelings there. Now that I'm being labeled and talked about all over a very public page, I see how much it hurts. But I'm also being misrepresented. I have a very mild form of bipolar, and if I expressed any craziness while I was living with her - let's see - I was dealing with the deepest, most unimaginable grief from the loss of my child; I was dealing with being away from my son and constantly worrying about him and the fact that I LEFT him in the wake of his sister's death; I was dealing with a manipulative, needy, controlling girlfriend who I nonetheless loved enough to keep trying; and I was dealing with her physical, mental, and emotional abuse on me at the most vulnerable time in my life. I'm lucky to still be here. I'm lucky that one of those nights I didn't just end it all. I was depressed enough to do it, but the thought of what it would do to my son kept me going.
It's been a difficult day. On the one hand, my presence in this house has caused problems for my ex, though he is not blaming me nor suggesting that I leave. He is giving me safety, and that's how he sees it. He is protecting me - not as a husband or as a lover but as my best friend. Then to find out that this smear campaign is going on - well, I spent the latter part of the day sobbing. To be labeled and maligned, when I know well enough what happened in that house (and so do some other people), has been extremely hard.
Maybe some of this is karma. Maybe some of it is just the continuance of her abuse against me. Now that I have her and her henchmen blocked, I'm going to do my best not to know what she's saying about me. When the coordinator of the high school reunion contacted me and wanted to update my information, I told her to just keep it at the email address. I don't want anyone down there to know where I am or how to contact me. I'm in a very hurt place right now. The woman I thought was the love of my life hurt me in every way you can hurt a person - right after I lost my child! How SICK is that, indeed?