Friday, August 13, 2010

Waiting

I didn't hear from the doctor's office today, so I'm not sure what's going on. I had a blood test yesterday, and he was supposed to check the results before he left on two weeks vacation. Around three o'clock, I called the office and left a message, but they never called me back. I'm not sure whether that means they didn't get the results yet or the results were normal. At any rate, he's now gone to India for two weeks. If there is to be a change in my thyroid medication, it won't happen until after that.

The good news is that with the new blood pressure medication, my heart doesn't seem to be pounding out of my chest. I am feeling better than I have in months. If they can just get all my medications squared away again, I'm sure things will feel much better to me.

How am I doing otherwise? Well, I would be lying to say I'm not lonely and a little bit lost, but it will pass. There's no going back. I am poised on the precipice of my future, whatever it may be.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to get up and do some more cleaning, a little bit more laundry, and then get ready to drive over to Baltimore. I'm going to have coffee with some friends before they head out to a birthday party in the evening. Sunday they have a baby shower to go to, so I may head down to Lanham to see my brother. I'm going to try to stay busy so that I have less time to think. I consider myself to be in a kind of detox right now. I'm trying to get over a relationship in which I was madly in love with someone who couldn't love me back. I wanted it to work, but it didn't. So here I am.

Tonight I watched "When a Man Loves a Woman" for about the hundredth time. I love that movie. It so perfectly captures what happens when dysfunction comes into a relationship. It made me think of my daughter, who was in AA at the end of her life. It also made me think of myself, always trying to fix things. At any rate, it was a nice distraction.

Prior to the movie, one of my son's friends called him and asked for a ride. His partner had pretty much abandoned him in the parking lot of the local Wal-Mart, where they had gotten into a snit about something. Their relationship has been rocky, too, and he and I talked for awhile. I made hamburgers, potatoes, and Brussels sprouts. He nibbled more than ate. He was nervous and shaken up. He kept talking about how much he loves his partner and how most of the arguments were his fault - not his partner's. I could see myself in him. I could hear myself in his shaky voice. I wanted to help him, to fix things for him, but I can't. I can't even fix them for me.

It's been one week since I lay alone in a hotel bed, wondering what my life had come to. The first week of "detox" is down. Now I just have to keep moving forward. No looking back. I tried my damnedest, but it takes two. Never again do I want to subject myself to such control and manipulation, such lies. I deserve better. I know I do.

Peace - D

2 comments:

B said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. That's a great pic of you, by the way!

Daryl said...

One day at a time ... xo