Sunday, October 3, 2010

Eighteen

Work and school have me pretty busy. Busy is good most days. Busy keeps me from thinking too much and lets me just glide through life, the days flipping away like a calendar rifled by a thumb. Some mornings I wish I had a lover who would bring me coffee and take the dogs out. Some days I wish there were someone to give my tired shoulders a rub at the end of the day when I've been on the computer for 16 hours. It's a nice dream, but it's not reality.

The reality is that if I want something I have to get it myself. If I hurt, I depend on a hot bath to ease the pain. If I am sad, I close the door and have a good cry, burdening no one with my grief and sadness.

A little while ago, I wrote a much longer post, but Blogger ate it. This post, instead, is the stripped-down core of what disappeared into the ether.

It's been eighteen months since Stephanie died. Eighteen months.

That day, I felt like the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz--torn apart and scattered, my straw all over the ground. I had a choice. I could lie there and let the wind carry my insides to the four corners of the earth. I could let the that same wind toss me until there was nothing left. Or I could get up, gather the straw that remained and stuff it back in. I could shamble along, beaten and broken but not destroyed. The latter is what I had to do, as tempting as the former might be. I had to keep going. My son was as broken as I was, and he needed me. I had to get up and go on. He and I are there for each other.

If I'm lucky, though, I'll see my beautiful girl in the afterlife. I'll feel her presence strong beside me again, my daughter, my precious child.

There isn't a day goes by that I don't feel like lying on the ground and giving up my innards to the wind. But I get out of bed and keep living, keep breathing.

A simple cup of coffee might give me the stamina to go on, but if I want it, I'll get it myself. I'll have to put my own carrot on my own stick to entice myself to put one foot in front of the other. No one can do it for me.

Eighteen. Months.

Damn.

D

4 comments:

the walking man said...

Dralin' I have no comment about the amount of time Stephanie has been gone. There is no mortal thing anyone can do to ease that for you exceot time and your own will. I still mention you to that spirit when i am thinking of you (often).

Now the coffee o the other hand you know as well as i do that without it the day is useless, so stuff some straw in and get to it.

Be Well

Syd said...

It is good to have someone to be there for comfort but some times our partners don't necessarily comfort us. It is give and take as you know. Some days I give more than I get.

Maggie May said...

In the end, we are alone even if we have a partner. We are born alone & we die alone and in between we mostly have to fend for ourselves. this is because another person cannot feel for us or know what we are thinking. They might think they can, but that isn't the case.
Hoping that you will find a way to survive the pain, but I do sense that you are doing this and plunging yourself into work, which is a very good thing.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Daryl said...

Recently I read where a couple had broken up and the woman was saying that she only just realized (she is in her early 40s) that she'd always relied on (whoever it was at the time) her significant other to make her feel complete but now she realizes she needs only herself and she planned on learning to love herself more ... 'we complete ourselves' ... I agree, but I also think its nice when someone gets the coffee going ...

Be strong ... no one can replace your daughter but you can make yourself whole .. you .. can