Thursday, October 28, 2010
An Object at Rest
...tends to remain at rest. An object in motion tends to remain in motion. You've probably heard that one, right? It's Newton's first law of motion.
More specifically, it says that these statements are true unless the object is acted upon by an unbalanced external force. Well, I guess you could say that I (the object, in this case) was acted upon by a very unbalanced external force (Denise, in this case).
She has been toying with me for the last month, I'd say, trying to determine whether I'll come back into her madness. I almost did. A little over a week ago, I posted an entry on this blog called "Addiction" about my addiction to her. I took it down after I gave into the addiction and contacted her. For a few days, all seemed well. And then she pounced on my heart in the middle of the night on a Wednesday--the worst night to mess with me, as my Thursdays are tough at work--and she ripped me apart. That started me into a downward spiral.
What did she do to me? She directly blamed me for Stephanie's death. You see, and I don't mind admitting this myself, Paul and I tried having an open marriage for a little while because things were so stale between us. I was gay and couldn't help it. He was straight and couldn't help it. So we tried absolutely everything to keep our family together while trying to find our own happiness (even short bouts of it). Denise used this against me, and said, "No wonder Stephanie was so messed up and ended up that way." She also let me have it about things I'd said on my blog (as though she's so innocent). As I pointed out to her, no one here knows her. But everyone knows me on her Facebook page. Some of them are my relatives.
That doesn't really matter, though. The fact is that she sent me into a tailspin. I spent a few sleepless nights, blaming myself all over again. One time when she called me, I couldn't stop crying, because for a minute there, she had me believing it.
Within two days, she broke it off with me in a very cruel way. She first sent me pictures of the full moon from her moonlight horseback ride (supposedly with her nephew), and then she called and said it just wasn't going to work out. She mentioned my son. He will always come first in my life. Yes, he will, and I won't apologize to anyone for that. Then she mentioned "mental problems".
Mental problems? Really? Let's see...who has the mental problems? She won't get help for her multitude of issues. At least I know when I need to grieve, to talk to my therapist, or to go on a walk to clear my head. Backing a grieving mother into a corner and telling her it's her fault that her daughter died! It takes one sick fuck (excuse my language) to do that to a person. May it all come swinging back on her.
If having that affect me so profoundly that I couldn't stop crying makes me mentally unstable, then most of the world is mentally unstable.
This object has been acted upon by an unstable, external force. This object is back in motion.
Day 5, baby. This girl is in motion, away from that unstable force.
Peace - D