Tuesday, December 7, 2010


Today, though not perfect, has been a better day. I'm able to acknowledge my feelings and live with them. I'm also feeling better about Stephanie. Why? I don't know. Maybe sweating blood over it this month was some kind of swan song. Again, I don't know. But I'm beginning the process of accepting what is and letting go of what isn't.

Grief like this isn't a linear process. It's all over the map, and it gets entwined with everything else in your life. I wish I could grab hold of every parent who is about to go through what I've gone through and just say, "It's going to get rough, but you can do it!"

I heard a story the other day of a family who lost their only son (only child, as far as I know) to erotic asphyxiation. Soon afterward, the mother shot herself to death, leaving the father to grieve in his own way. Talk about complicated grief. I can't imagine what he went through. What they all went through. It was a tough situation, to be sure. None of us can know what the family went through.

The thing is? The father eventually went on with his life. He chose life. So am I...D

Life, the Poem (by D. Pavlichek)

Today I am choosing life or maybe life is choosing me.

The veil of sadness shows the tiniest glimmer of light from between the panels,

The promise of a sun outside and a breath of air that doesn’t consist

Of stale fears and promises broken, tears and laughter


Those who are dead are not gone but stay by my side

Forever in the memories, the dreams, the whispers. Lives lost

But not forgotten. Their laughter lives on in the voices that

Carry me through each day. Remembered moments and


Alive again once more in my heart. Maybe never really

Gone but just in a new form. Remember when we sat

Reading in the bedroom, living life vicariously through

Characters on horseback or in a stuffy schoolhouse in

The wild west?

Remember marathon movie nights, candy stuffed in the

Windowsill, a random toothpick? The wind howled outside but

Inside we were bundled up against the chill, burning our lips

With hot cocoa. Late night conversations carried us into


Today I am choosing life or maybe life is choosing me.

Forgiveness is lifting the veil and leaving me blinking

Into the brightness of the full sun. She’s still out there

Breathing the same air but walking easy, no pain and



Mental P Mama said...

What an amazing poem. And I agree with you...profound, visceral grief is never a linear path. You won't shine with the exact same light as before, but your light is still there....

Maggie May said...

That is truly good. I am so pleased that you are rising up again. Yes...... life is a bummer but there are survivors out there and you are one of them.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Syd said...

A wonderful poem of remembrance and love. I think that life is a glorious thing to choose. In spite of the complexities, I would rather live and experience the journey than not.

Daryl said...

Grief takes it own course, its own time .. but choosing life is a very excellent step in the right direction. Your poetry touches me deeply .. thank you for sharing it.