Monday, December 6, 2010

Step One

You're all right, of course. I'm still stuck at step one and have no business making amends to anyone yet, because I am still stuck in the powerlessness to do the wrong thing. I want so much to feel better, to stop aching, to stop yearning, that I am rushing things. I'm putting the proverbial cart before the proverbial horse.

I've done some really stupid things lately, which really aren't good for me. Some of this stems out of - as I said - the need to feel better. My body is going through so much right now that I always feel like I'm one step from the emergency room. Not sure what they'd do for me there either, but I've been that sick a few times. I'm anxious to go see my aunt and my sister, but my health keeps getting in the way. But some of this just comes from my codependency. My tendency to do the wrong thing. When will I learn? How many hard knocks do I have to take?

It's a rough morning...again. I feel the pain in my spirit so keenly that it is like a knife in my heart. I just want to stop hurting. I wish I knew when that would happen so that I could focus on that point and hang in there. Some days it's more than I want to deal with.

Peace - D


Daryl said...

Have you apologized/made amends to yourself yet? You keep beating yourself up and you need to stop. Its not helping .. sending you hugs

RiverPoet said...

Still working on that, Daryl. :-/

Every month on the third, my last question of the day is, "Did I do enough for Stephanie?"

Syd said...

The amends will come in God's time and you will know when that time occurs. It will feel right.