I tried to drive south today. I've got the whole week off to do as I please, so I was trying to get down to Georgia to see my aunt and my sister (and a multitude of cousins). I got almost as far as Richmond and had to call home. My arms were getting weaker as I drove. It started out feeling like maybe I just needed more coffee, but soon enough I recognized that old numbness and loss of strength. I knew better than to keep going, getting too far out of range in one direction or the other, landing in some hospital mid-way. Been there, done that. No thanks.
So instead of doing the smart thing and having Paul and Sean drive down in one car to get me - none of us thought of that at the time - I took a little break and made my way back home. Hitting a couple of curbstones and narrowly missing another car convinced me that coming back home was the right thing to do.
All of this medical stuff is scaring me, I tell you, and I really don't have anyone to talk to about it. Forgive me for laying it all out here, but I'm quite upset about not being able to make the drive today. My only option, it seems, is to either fly into Atlanta and have my sister pick me up or wait until Sean can go along and do the driving. My arms seem to be like noodles these days. There is also the matter of finding a clean restroom when I need to cath. I was planning on finding a Starbucks or a nice restaurant for lunch. I figured that would be the best way to go - but I never got that far.
When I got home, Sean unloaded the car for me, and I lay in my bed and cried my eyes out. I was feeling quite angry at my body and quite scared about the future. I don't want to be someone's burden. I don't want to be in a nursing home. Sean swears he'll never let that happen to me, but I'd hate to burden my son with my troubles. I've always prided myself on my independence, being able to take off on a whim to go somewhere, always able to meet any task head-on. These days I'm scared about such things. Things like what happened today can happen. And then at home, my bladder began to feel worse and worse to the point I had to take the meds that I must use sparingly, lest they cause a GI bleed like the one I had in '07. As much as I wish sometimes that the agony of this life were over, I won't willingly wish that on Sean. He's had enough grief.
So for now I'm going to look into finding another neurologist, maybe getting a prescription for some physical therapy for my upper body, and trying to do something to improve my outlook. I have to climb out of the sorrow that I still feel from time to time over my lost relationship.
I need to have some faith in myself again. I need to believe that I can be loved and that I can love again. I need to hang on to the knowledge that things happen the way they should. I'm going through things that will come in handy later. I've lived long enough to know that these trials aren't for nothing. Maybe I'll be able to help someone else on down the line. For now, I'm just going to be kind to my body and try to get it back to some kind of balance.
Peace - D