Monday, January 31, 2011

Days Go By

The year has not started out well. Physically, I'm a bit of a wreck, and I have to find a way to pull out of it. I'm thinking of trying to find a really good acupuncturist again, or something to help me stay well and positive. For the third time in a month, I've been at the hospital or surgical center, and this isn't how the new year was supposed to go. I feel more like my mother every day.

This latest bout was more than your garden variety UTI--it pretty much went to the kidneys (though it would have taken an expensive and unnecessary dose of radiation via CT scan to confirm that). Around Wednesday of last week, I started shaking for no apparent reason and running a low-grade fever. When the shaking would come on, I'd take a break from work and lie down for an hour. By Friday, I went to bed early to try and rest it out. Saturday morning, my early morning cath was excruciating. My body shook with spasms. I ran a warm bath for myself and called my doctor. I took some Pyridium, but it didn't stay down. He called in antibiotics. Nothing much stayed down, so I just avoided food other than a small bowl of some instant oatmeal for dinner. Despite the antibiotic and lots of rest and fluids, I had to call the doctor again yesterday. I wasn't any better after 3 doses, and now I added severe back pain to the symptoms. So he sent me to the ER, where they confirmed the infection, loaded me up with fluids, 2 antibiotics, pain meds, and anti-nausea drugs.

When I got home I was famished. My son fed me some macaroni and cheese and a small slice of some store-bought cheesecake. I felt as if I hadn't eaten in a week, and in truth, it had been a few days since anything felt good in my stomach. They are pretty sure it is a kidney infection. No fun at all.

I'm just ready for all this to stop. I wish to God someone would be able to tell me why things don't work right in my body and then tell me they could fix it! Sometimes I feel punch-drunk from the hit after hit after hit, all of it seeming worse since Stephanie died.

It all really does remind me of my mother. I don't remember a time that she wasn't sick with something (all of it pretty much tied to lupus, which didn't finally get diagnosed until she almost died at age 70), but I wonder how much the mind and the soul affect the body. Mom lost her first child when he was 2 days old. Back in that day (1948), they thought it was easier on the mother not to see or hold a child who wasn't going to live, so she spent her entire recuperative stay not knowing the fate of her baby. Every time she would hear a baby cry, she would ask, "Is that my baby? Why won't they bring him to me?" She had suffered a lot of blood loss, so they focused on getting her stronger before they told her that he had died and was buried. Someone had a professional photograph taken of him in his little casket, and that was all she ever saw of my eldest brother, William Edwin (Eddie) Evans. When I was growing up, I often looked at that picture and imagined what he would have been like. He looked so like a little cherub, a seemingly perfect baby who had (we now think) died due to either inhaling blood and developing pneumonia (Mom hemorrhaged during labor) or due to hemophilia (which we now know runs in our family). That loss affected my mother so deeply that she often talked about Eddie and how she wished she could have held him just one time.

I was fortunate in that regard. I got to hold my Stephanie for 25 years. That doesn't stop my arms from aching for her now, though. Sean, my wonderful son, is such a comfort to me, though. Yesterday it was him who made me call the doctor, who insisted on it. He drove me to the hospital and sat with me while the put in the IV and dosed me up. He took care of the insurance paperwork, and he got us to the pharmacy before they closed. Every day I get those big bear hugs of his, and we talk and laugh together. I'm grateful for every single moment with him, more so now that life has taken our Stephanie away. It makes you realize how quickly those you love can just vanish.

I'll share a couple of links with you, and then I'm off to get a few more hours of sleep.

Peace - D

A video about the persistence of longing...

And a storylike topic engine that is in the alpha stage of deployment. I looked up "grief."


the walking man said...

There is an end, and when you reach it the body will do all within its power to heal itself. This I know and this is all I have to offer. Do not be your mother longing for them that have passed on, remember them with affection, and go to your own destiny Doris.

Be Well


Daryl said...

Oh Doris .. I worry about you .. take care of yourself ..

SY said...

Get well soon.. this sounds awful

the rest of the year will problem be wonderful

Maggie May said...

That was such a sad story of baby Eddie. Today your mother would have been able to hold him for as long as she liked.
I hope you feel better soon.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Mental P Mama said...

Not to be stupid...but have you tried to stay off dairy and wheat? You might think of it, and finding an osteopath who specializes in dietary's worth it at this point! There's just too much GMO out there to eat things like wheat and dairy products without exploring....hugs.

RiverPoet said...

No, that's not stupid, MPM. I don't take in much dairy at all (except yogurt when I'm on antibiotics), and I try not to take in a lot of breads either. I haven't been tested for sensitivity to either, but it wouldn't surprise me.

The frequent UTIs and such didn't come on until I developed neurogenic bladder. Because my bladder doesn't function properly, it - and my kidneys now - are predisposed to infection and inflammation. Trust me, if there were something I could do, I would.

Once I get well from this, I am going to try to find an acupuncturist. I had good success with one before, and I felt better in many ways. Because this seems to stem from a neurological problem, perhaps if they get my chi functioning well, I'll get better.

One can hope! Hugs - D

Ruth D~ said...

Seems a good long time out might get things back to normal. Someplace warm, quiet, and stress free. Any likelihood of that?

RiverPoet said...

Ruth - Money is tighter than it has been since the kids were little. I'm trying to keep the townhouse I bought with my ex-husband back in 2003, and the mortgage payment is steep. I am hoping that when we have finally made the last payments on the shared debt we have, I can finally take a week off and go somewhere nice or take a cruise.

The alternative is to just drive down to the Florida panhandle with my son in the spring and spend some time on a beach, though my preference would be Hawaii or the Caribbean. Gotta go with what I can afford.

I'm ready for some warm sun on my bones.


Syd said...

I am so sorry about your baby brother. I cannot imagine how rough that must have been on your mom.