The year has not started out well. Physically, I'm a bit of a wreck, and I have to find a way to pull out of it. I'm thinking of trying to find a really good acupuncturist again, or something to help me stay well and positive. For the third time in a month, I've been at the hospital or surgical center, and this isn't how the new year was supposed to go. I feel more like my mother every day.
This latest bout was more than your garden variety UTI--it pretty much went to the kidneys (though it would have taken an expensive and unnecessary dose of radiation via CT scan to confirm that). Around Wednesday of last week, I started shaking for no apparent reason and running a low-grade fever. When the shaking would come on, I'd take a break from work and lie down for an hour. By Friday, I went to bed early to try and rest it out. Saturday morning, my early morning cath was excruciating. My body shook with spasms. I ran a warm bath for myself and called my doctor. I took some Pyridium, but it didn't stay down. He called in antibiotics. Nothing much stayed down, so I just avoided food other than a small bowl of some instant oatmeal for dinner. Despite the antibiotic and lots of rest and fluids, I had to call the doctor again yesterday. I wasn't any better after 3 doses, and now I added severe back pain to the symptoms. So he sent me to the ER, where they confirmed the infection, loaded me up with fluids, 2 antibiotics, pain meds, and anti-nausea drugs.
When I got home I was famished. My son fed me some macaroni and cheese and a small slice of some store-bought cheesecake. I felt as if I hadn't eaten in a week, and in truth, it had been a few days since anything felt good in my stomach. They are pretty sure it is a kidney infection. No fun at all.
I'm just ready for all this to stop. I wish to God someone would be able to tell me why things don't work right in my body and then tell me they could fix it! Sometimes I feel punch-drunk from the hit after hit after hit, all of it seeming worse since Stephanie died.
It all really does remind me of my mother. I don't remember a time that she wasn't sick with something (all of it pretty much tied to lupus, which didn't finally get diagnosed until she almost died at age 70), but I wonder how much the mind and the soul affect the body. Mom lost her first child when he was 2 days old. Back in that day (1948), they thought it was easier on the mother not to see or hold a child who wasn't going to live, so she spent her entire recuperative stay not knowing the fate of her baby. Every time she would hear a baby cry, she would ask, "Is that my baby? Why won't they bring him to me?" She had suffered a lot of blood loss, so they focused on getting her stronger before they told her that he had died and was buried. Someone had a professional photograph taken of him in his little casket, and that was all she ever saw of my eldest brother, William Edwin (Eddie) Evans. When I was growing up, I often looked at that picture and imagined what he would have been like. He looked so like a little cherub, a seemingly perfect baby who had (we now think) died due to either inhaling blood and developing pneumonia (Mom hemorrhaged during labor) or due to hemophilia (which we now know runs in our family). That loss affected my mother so deeply that she often talked about Eddie and how she wished she could have held him just one time.
I was fortunate in that regard. I got to hold my Stephanie for 25 years. That doesn't stop my arms from aching for her now, though. Sean, my wonderful son, is such a comfort to me, though. Yesterday it was him who made me call the doctor, who insisted on it. He drove me to the hospital and sat with me while the put in the IV and dosed me up. He took care of the insurance paperwork, and he got us to the pharmacy before they closed. Every day I get those big bear hugs of his, and we talk and laugh together. I'm grateful for every single moment with him, more so now that life has taken our Stephanie away. It makes you realize how quickly those you love can just vanish.
I'll share a couple of links with you, and then I'm off to get a few more hours of sleep.
Peace - D
A video about the persistence of longing...
And a storylike topic engine that is in the alpha stage of deployment. I looked up "grief."