Saturday, January 1, 2011


Renewal. Isn't that what the new year is all about? We compose lists of resolutions, think ourselves rid of the old year and flush with hope in the new one, and take in a deep breath of optimism when the ball drops. I have made precious few resolutions of any kind this year, because so many things have become incredibly unimportant to me. Of the things I want to accomplish are these:
  • Find a church home where I am comfortable
  • Finish the setup of my new Apple system and get back to assembling my memoir
  • Develop a healthier outlook about the life ahead
It was an interesting start to the new year, though. I was in the emergency room!

Yesterday I was having a particularly tough time with the cath--this after spending most of the week in bed with a cold/flu/something. Perhaps it was meant that I couldn't make the drive to see family for the week, because I might have landed in that terrible, rinky-dink hospital in which my poor mom spent so much time. Practically medieval.

So when I couldn't get anything out with the midday cath, I was upset and a little anxious. I was afraid that something was wrong, but then again, I thought perhaps I was a little dehydrated from the cold. Paul was here visiting for the holiday. "Do you need to go to the hospital," he asked. "No," I answered, "I'm sure it's nothing."

For the rest of the afternoon, I pushed fluids to be sure I had plenty, that there was no chance of me being empty. After we watched a comedy ("The Other Guys") at 7 pm, I tried again. Again, I could get nothing out. By this point, my stomach was distended, and I was growing quite uncomfortable. So I did what I always do--I burst into tears and said, "Okay, it's time to go to the hospital!"

Paul had had a couple of glasses of wine, but I didn't feel steady enough to drive myself. Sean had left a little while earlier for a friend's party, so off we went. We arrived a little after 9 pm, before the midnight rush was on and before most of the drunks crashed their cars. I had a very short wait before they took me off to a room.

Yes, there was a problem. I seemed to have some tissue that was blocking the catheter from going in. It took the nurse a bit of work to break through that tissue (unpleasant!), and the doctor made the decision to leave the catheter in so that I wouldn't end up back in the ER this weekend. So until Monday, at least, I'll have this bag strapped to my leg. I have to go see my urologist to try and find out why the scar tissue is building up. I have a feeling the treatment plan is going to change.

So I had another good blubbering in the quiet of the ER room while waiting to be processed out, and whined, "I'm only 48 years old! Who will ever want to be with me with all of these problems??" I allowed myself a little time to feel sorry for myself, and then I thought, "Okay. Let's move on. Finding a relationship is the least of my worries right now!"

We were home before midnight and watched the ball drop in Times Square (on the television, of course). I kissed the dogs, and I hugged Paul and thanked him for helping me out on the absolute worst night of the year to go to the hospital, and then I proceeded to have problems sleeping all night! I think it was just because of the uncomfortable thing on/in me.

When Sean texted Happy New Year at midnight, I asked him to call. I explained what had happened and assured him I was okay and was off to bed.

Before I went to bed, I was having a good laugh because I could stand up to pee (emptying the bag). LOL! After all, if you don't find a way to laugh about something like this, you'll just end up crying (again), right?

Around 4:30, Sean came shuffling into my room and hugged and hugged me.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't here when you needed me, Mom," he said.

I assured him that being out with his friends on New Year's Eve was exactly where a 23-year-old should be! But he still told me that he was sorry, and he fussed over me. I wish I had nothing wrong with me, because I know it scares the hell out of him. I hugged and kissed him and sent him off to bed. Even though I had expected him to spend the full night staying over at his friend's house, I was relieved to have him home safely. I drifted right off to sleep.

I don't know what will happen when I go to the doctor on Monday. I don't even want to sit here and imagine all of the ways this could go. I'm just not going there. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Hm, maybe that's another resolution I've not written down? To take things as they come? Wouldn't it change my life so much if I could do that for all of 2011? Yes. I believe it would.

Stephanie's birthday is coming up on the 12th. She would have been 27 years old. I miss her so much, but we are all glad - in this house - that the holidays are OVER. They were very hard on us this year, missing her and feeling the pain fresh every day.

I think we'll celebrate her birthday with a dinner out and a toast to her. I miss that girl, but I'm so glad that she no longer has to be in the kind of pain I was in last night - because she often was. She had so many health issues and had a factor in her blood that caused her to develop clots all the time (she had lupus like my mom and sisters). Quite often, toward the end, she would have to get an IV line in her neck, because every other site would clot. It was hard to watch, and I'm sure it was hard for her to deal with. Still, I wish she were with us. Selfish of me, I know, but I love her.

But you know? I'm convinced that I will see her again, and not just in my dreams. I look forward to that day, but I'm not going to rush it. Sean needs me, and I love him like crazy. We're going to do our best to have a good year, to be renewed.

Much love, and happy new year! D


the walking man said...

Maybe not in the old way but Paul needs you to eh?

Life is neither shit nor shinola but a combination of both. I think that your final stated resolution is the only one you really need to keep.

"To take things as they come?" It's easier to deal with life one heartbeat at a time then daily, weekly, yearly.

Remember to ask the doctor about ALL of your options and if there may be some he is not aware of and of so could he research before presenting you with a solution.

Mental P Mama said...

I just love the walking man....Have you ever read any of Louise Hay's work? Some of it I don't buy, but I have found it to be very uplifting as far as affirmations go. In spite of everything, you actually seem better right now. Blessings on you all in 2011.

Moannie said...

Dear Doris, so sorry I have not been around too much lately but have been back down and through your posts and am devastated that you are still going through so much, darn it girl, much more than your fair share.

Yet you still manage to get though it with your usual wit and gumption. I do so admire you and your fine son.

Nothing I can say can make you better, would that I could wave a magic wand over you, but believe that, though I do not pray, I am sending you strength and hope and love.

May the New Year bring you happiness, health and joy. XXXX

Akelamalu said...

I read all your posts but don't comment much Doris. I just wanted to wish you well for 2011 and I hope your health improves m'dear. x

Syd said...

It sounds like a tough evening. Glad that you are okay. Hope that 2011 is a better year for you. Take care of yourself.

Daryl said...

Happy New Year!

Daryl said...

Let me tell you that not going to the doctor is never good .. my husband refused and now he is in hospital with so many things wrong I cant even begin to tell you and all because he was afraid of what he would learn...putting things off only makes them worse ...