Undermining has mixed definitions. For a wound, it means that the tissues lying outside and beneath the visible wound are separating, spreading, getting worse. It's the opposite of healing.
In relationships, it is the opposite of cohesion or growth together. Why do we undermine? There is no simple answer to that.
I feel myself undermining, and I hate it. I'm grieving. I'm sad. I'm lost. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm bruised. I'm fighting with myself and everyone else.
I hate that this damned anniversary is coming up. My daughter was a cutter. She said it gave her release from the agony she felt inside. The first time I knew she was cutting was when I saw the scars on her upper arms, which she had been hiding. They were keloids, swollen and red. When she had to have a gynecological procedure, the doctor asked me if I had seen all the scars on her upper thighs. All I could do was nod and say that years of therapy, psychiatry, and medications had done nothing for Stephanie.
I have no release, other than this blog. Sometimes I'm so hurt that I lash out and hurt the people around me. I hate myself for that and sometimes just want to run away. I figure it would be better for them if I did.
I hope that soon - when this horrible date passes - I can start to feel normal again.
Peace - D