Friday, March 25, 2011

Undermining. Maybe this is 5 of 30.

Undermining has mixed definitions. For a wound, it means that the tissues lying outside and beneath the visible wound are separating, spreading, getting worse. It's the opposite of healing.

In relationships, it is the opposite of cohesion or growth together. Why do we undermine? There is no simple answer to that.

I feel myself undermining, and I hate it. I'm grieving. I'm sad. I'm lost. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm bruised. I'm fighting with myself and everyone else.

I hate that this damned anniversary is coming up. My daughter was a cutter. She said it gave her release from the agony she felt inside. The first time I knew she was cutting was when I saw the scars on her upper arms, which she had been hiding. They were keloids, swollen and red. When she had to have a gynecological procedure, the doctor asked me if I had seen all the scars on her upper thighs. All I could do was nod and say that years of therapy, psychiatry, and medications had done nothing for Stephanie.

I have no release, other than this blog. Sometimes I'm so hurt that I lash out and hurt the people around me. I hate myself for that and sometimes just want to run away. I figure it would be better for them if I did.

I hope that soon - when this horrible date passes - I can start to feel normal again.

Peace - D

5 comments:

the walking man said...

I am sorry you are going through this Kiddo but this date is going to come up every year no matter what. And yeah it is always good to feel the past so heavy on your shoulders that you undermine the present, that is where you live. Wise up girlfriend.

SOUL said...

hello my friend. i know i don't keep close touch as much as i should, or want to. but i hope you know that i do keep you close in heart and thoughts.
i hate to admit this, but i had forgotten that our babies dates are so close together. mine - one of them - the first - was - is - March 19. (1989). i've told you before -- it gets "different" - over time.

this past 19th. i didn't mention the significance of the day to anyone here. which i must admit- is my family - hubby and daughter. neither, did i blog about it-- like in past years. which i would at minimum do - if i didn't want to talk to the family about it. no. this time. i made a conscious decision to instead - celebrate the life of my living child, instead of the -routine- grieving of my loss. which is usually being solemn - quiet- or sometimes traveling out of state, most times alone- to visit his grave. never has that been productive. nor have the times that i ignored or pushed aside any feeling at all.
this march 19th. i made a date with my now 17 year old daughter. and we spent a wonderful day together. we shopped, we ate, we saw a movie. i didn't mention the significance of the day. and i loved every minute that we spent together. i didn't dwell on my loss of my son. i celebrated the fact that i do have a living and wonderful happy shining child that loves me. she is more than a blessing, and i realized that i take her for granted too often. as i lose myself in my own selfish grief .
.
i learned a huge lesson that day.

i'm telling you this because i know you have a beautiful living son. he also lost a sister. i want you to learn to live your loss much sooner than i did. i am still haunted by my grief. to the point of mental illness. and i know that most people don't live that way. nor do they have to. there are alternatives, and other ways to heal. rather than holding in the anger and rage against -- yourself- or God- or nature - or whoever it is that you feel you must blame.
it is what it is.. and you can move on. very much sooner than i.

i can only suggest to you - knowing that you will do what you feel or do what your mind and body tell you to do-- but if possible -- will you 'try' to take this anniversary - and try something different? celebrate Seans life-- and live in the day -- try -- to not live in the day that you lost your girl. and the horrible way that it happened. she isn't here now- and she is no longer suffering. she in no way would want to see you suffer like you do. you know she wants you to be happy and laugh with her brother.

just TRY. and see what happens.
she will see you-- and she will smile with you both.

and you will see that smile. forever.

you know i love you - i want you to learn to live again.

biggest Texas soul-hugs

Jo said...

You know, we give birth to our daughters, but in many ways they are strangers to us, when all is said and done. When my daughter was little, we were as close as two peas in a pod, and now we are almost strangers. We talk on the phone, and we see each other, and I adore her children (my grandchildren), but my daughter is a stranger to me. I have felt guilty about this for years, until recently I realized that sometimes this is just something that happens -- for whatever reason -- and it is not our fault.

You should not feel guilt for what happened with your daughter. It was not your fault. I think once you can embrance that idea, you will be able to let her go, and you can both be at peace.

((((((((HUGS))))))))

Jo

Mental P Mama said...

And maybe the lesson here is that we are truly to only know our selves. Hugs to you....

Syd said...

Cutting indicates a lot of rage directed inward. I don't think that there is anything you could do to get Stephanie to love herself. But do you love yourself? Hope that you see that you are loved and lovable.