Friday, April 29, 2011

Sugar, Sugar

Sugar.

That's what they found in my urinalysis this morning. Sugar and bilirubin -- neither of which should be there.

Many people call refined sugar "white death," because it contains nothing useful for the body (e.g., vitamins and minerals). Instead it just taxes the body and weakens it. If we were smart, we'd all run screaming away from it, but we seek it out instead.

I had the sense yesterday that something was amiss in my body, but I couldn't put my finger on it. At around 5:30 this morning, however, that something made itself known - another UTI. I woke up in the darkness with a fever and pain in my lower abdomen. A trip to the loo resulted in terrible pain. At one point I had decided not to go in for therapy today. An early appointment with my rheumatologist was already planned, so I figured I could squeeze in another one to the urologist after that.

That's exactly what I did, and the nurse read off something like this: "Yes, you have leukocytes, so you do have an infection. Large bilirubin. Large sugar..." I'm assuming "large" meant high counts and had nothing to do with the size of the molecules. I was prescribed some antibiotics for the infection and told that maybe the other abnormalities were "nothing to worry about." The doctor wasn't in, so the nurse really couldn't say.

I told the nurse to let my urologist know that I'd follow up with my primary care provider. I was prediabetic in 2006-7, but I got my weight and diet under control and, I guess, bought some time. Do I eat sweets? Yeah. They have crept back into my diet, though I'm only ~10 lbs up from where I stopped the weight loss. If I can "blame" anything for the sugar, it might be the sodas that I indulge in here and there. For a long time, I'd given those up, but because I'm often nauseated, I reach for a Coke to settle my stomach.

Diabetes can make you feel nauseated; Coke settles the stomach; Coke contains a lot of sugar. (I can't use artificial sweeteners because of the migraines, so I suppose it's going to be unsweetened beverages like water from here on out.) So my quick fix for one problem may have aggravated the underlying problem.

I won't really know what's going on with me until after I see my doctor on Thursday. Right now diabetes is the lesser and most manageable of the variety of things it could be, but it's all speculation. It's hard to believe that it didn't show up during any of the copious amounts of blood work they did when I was in the hospital. But Mom was a diabetic, as was my grandmother on my mom's side. That makes me genetically predisposed to it, and if that's what I have, I will deal with it.

Diabetes doesn't scare me nearly as much as what I had to deal with starting last October - the urology stuff. It does make me sad that I don't have a partner in my life who can be there for me and support me through this. For the first time in my life, I'm on my own, completely. It still blows my mind, all of the stuff I went through with Kim, learning to take care of that gaping wound in her belly, ignoring the odors as best I could, taking her to appointments and seeing to it that she followed doctor's orders, looking after the boys while she healed. But when I needed her, she kicked me to the curb. All I have to say to that is that Karma is a bitch, baby! When you profess to love someone and you abandon them in their time of need, you invite the universe to take a giant crap on you. May it do just that. Amen and amen.

This thing with the sugar kind of pisses me off, but it doesn't throw me. I'm fine. I'm still in therapy each day (reducing it to half days next week) and am going for a little pampering at the salon tomorrow (another great form of mental health care!). Every day I get a little stronger and a little better at handling the unexpected. Things that used to stress me out (like a mean, nasty neighbor) no longer wreck my day. Now I give the problem an appropriate amount of energy and then move on.

I continue to say, each day, that I am grateful for this illness. Even the breakup is a blessing, because I'd rather know 3 months into it whether my so-called "partner" can handle the tough stuff or not. Kim wasn't cut out to handle any of it. She was too weak in love and spirit to handle it. My life has been all about the tough stuff, and anyone who wants to walk this road with me will need to be up to that challenge. When the time is right, a warrior princess will come along. She'll be more than up to the task. She'll be girded with armor but will have a heart that s open and accessible to me. Together, we'll rule the kingdom.

Meanwhile, I have my friends, my dogs, and my blog. I have my writing. And right now, I have (Washington) Capitals hockey in the post-season. Round two, baby!

Have a great weekend, all!

D

1 comment:

Daryl said...

I know you know you are strong ... hugs!