Monday, May 16, 2011

All My Ex's

Not all my ex's live in Texas (but a few of them do), but I included that song at the bottom of this post. I had a gay male friend who had a mad crush on George Strait and once sat next to him on a plane. He couldn't stop talking about that flight :-) Nick - wherever you are, I miss ya, buddy!

It's a day of thinking about the ones who have passed through my life.

Today would have been my two year anniversary with Denise. It was a day on which I'd hoped we would get married, but that didn't work out. We had a year and a half of ups and downs, of good times and bad. She saw the worst of my grief, and it didn't scare her off. Had she gotten some help for the possessiveness and fear she had, we might have made it. But she didn't, and we didn't. Here I am.

She was the first long-term relationship after Paul. Paul is still my best friend, and he is still part of my life. He has been a tremendous help to me through all of my rough times, and I'll always be grateful. No one has ever stood by me like he has. No matter what ever happened between us, he has shown up when I need a hand getting out of a situation, moving furniture, or picking up the pieces. He has been a rock in my life, always there, always steady. Too bad I'm gay.

Susan was the next brief glimmer in my life. She turned out to have many, many issues that had escaped my observation because she lived an hour away. I never got to see her antics up close. As it turns out, she was still with her ex while she was trying to start something up with me. When I found that out, I exited stage left and exited the friendship as well as the relationship. It was brief and scary enough to destroy it all.

And then Kim came along and got me immediately involved in her life and with her kids. There was no slowing down with her, and I should have realized that was a huge red flag. But I was enjoying the ride, too, so I let it happen. The thing is, I really miss the boys. Last night I traveled in my dream to her house and looked in on them. It's the only way I can see them without getting into trouble. I had them on my mind all day yesterday, so last night I had to go see them. She has sent me hate e-mail telling me not to try and contact them (it's the one way she knows she can hurt me). Oh, how she underestimates me! I don't have to physically go there in order to check on them. I watched them sleeping last night, watched their sweet faces in their dreams. It was good. I miss them, but I know that I left an impression on them. I know they will remember me.

Now I am on my own, enjoying my own company and spending time with friends as often as I feel like. It's good. It's healing. And all my ex's? I wish them well ... mostly.



Mental P Mama said...

LOL...all my husband's exes ARE in Texas. And that is fine with us. Now listen to Mama: You must stop all contact with narcissists in order to move on. They will suck you in and destroy your sense of self over and over again if you give them an inch. Trust me. Oh, and, hugs.

Formerly Affianced said...
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TSannie said...

OOPS! My daughter was visiting and I didn't realize she was still signed on to blogger! What I said was:

Listen to MPM...a wise wise woman she is.

RiverPoet said...

MPM - Oh honey, I know. I don't have any contact. It's just really sad that even though I give my all in relationships, the other half can't do the same. Hugs!

Annie - How is your daughter? I had to go back and read the few posts she had on her blog, and though she only had a few posts, I could relate to those feelings she shared. Thanks for dropping by :-)

Peace - D