Saturday, July 23, 2011
A Curious Thing Indeed
A funny thing is happening to my face. I'm not sure when it started, but I suspect it was right around the time when Stephanie died. Everything seemed to change in me right then.
You see I'd been developing exactly three lines on my face that roughly looked like this |_| right between the eyebrows. I thought it was due to the pain, but I also used to go about mumbling, "I hate my life."
It isn't that I hated my husband or my children. I didn't hate my animals or my house. I didn't hate my job or my friends. I just hated my life, overall. I felt that I would never be well or happy or anywhere close to even satisfied. Quite often I would be in pain just going to bed at night, knowing that I was an utter disappointment to my husband, that I was an utter failure as a wife. Trying so hard for so many years to be in a heterosexual marriage to my best friend, raising our children, was not letting me feel fulfilled or successful at life. When I looked in the mirror, I saw these lines deepening, and I thought, "This is what they mean when they say that at 40, you have the face you deserve."
As many of you know, I left that life six short weeks after my daughter passed away. I lost my mind, in a way, but I found myself. Despite the way things worked out, my love for Denise was pure and beautiful. I was finally able to be who I truly was. I lost many "friends," my church group, and some family members. I went through a few bitter months with my ex-husband, after which we worked things out and are better friends than ever. We work hard together to make sure that things are good for our son, who lost his only sibling that fateful day.
We are all more fulfilled now. The ex gets to see what life is like with a straight woman (and he's very happy, thank you). My son gets probably a better mother than he had before when I was so terribly unhappy. And I get to feel right about myself. I'm not in a relationship right now, which is fine by me, but I am living my life out loud. Sometimes I get lonely, sure, but overall I am happy. I can't remember the last time I mumbled, "I hate my life."
The strange thing is that I'm so unconcerned with my face that I hadn't noticed that the lines were gone. It wasn't until I watched an episode of "Gene Simmons Family Jewels," in which his girlfriend and her sister go get plastic surgery and take a friend for Botox, that I took a good look at my face. I can't even make those lines appear there anymore. Maybe the real wrinkle cure is happiness.
Certainly my face (and neck, Nora Ephron!) are showing the passing of the years, but the deep furrows are gone. If someone would dare say to me (and they have, in passive-aggressive ways) that God can heal me and make me straight, I would say to them, "God made me this way, and He is pleased that I am breathing in the satisfaction and happiness of an authentic life."
And look at my face. Despite the fact that I lost my little girl, I finally have a life I can be happy about in other ways. Certainly she must be smiling down at me, glad to finally know what happiness looks like on me.
Peace - D
[image is of Kate Gosselin ... maybe she needs to find some happiness?]