Sunday, April 29, 2012

Midnight Rambler

It's good to be back!

Many things have happened since I last posted, and I'll try to catch you up with the most interesting ones as we go.

One of the things that has been part of my life in the last few years is this tendency to wake up sometime around three a.m., and I don't have any idea what significance that holds for me.  Some of that could be due to medication, which makes me crave sugar, which wakes me up. But not all of it can be explained away like that. I'm only now beginning to see that my insomnia won't kill me. I might be tired the next day, but I must indulge my creative juices when they come -- just as I used to when I was younger. (See Inspiration with Dr. Wayne Dyer for more about following that little whisper in the middle of the night.) What I don't want to think is that I am seeing this because of aging! So what if the waking is sometimes accompanied by the requisite hot flash? I'm just trying to go with the flow. If I have the inspiration to get up and write -- even if it is simply to write down the name of a chapter title -- I do that. My iPhone is very handy for those moments when the inspiration is small; otherwise I get up and and get the laptop.

The problem is that my roommate (strictly platonic...I needed the money) is as poor a sleeper as I am. I fully expect to hear her door open any time and hear her pad toward the bathroom. I repeatedly apologize, but she says, "No worries! I go right back to sleep."

So, I guess if you take away the guilt and the fear that this means I'm getting old, you would see that I'm trying to enjoy these little midnight wakings and realize that if I  give in to them, I might have more to gain than to lose. I might actually use this time to blog. Otherwise I'll work on the memoir.

(Ah, there went the roommate...)

Grad school? Yes. It's going very well. Work? Well...I'm weighing my options right now. I'm not crazy enough to leave one job without having another, but I know better now what exactly I'm looking for....and I don't want to take anything less.

My grief? It's still there, but it's more manageable this year. On March 29, I had to attend the funeral of a 59-year-old friend who died of cancer in hospice on the 27th of March. The anniversary of Steph's death was April 3rd. It was very intense, but I got through the funeral  It was military style, though, and that always gets me choked up.

I took the day off for the anniversary so that I could avoid having to pretend to be okay, when I knew when I would be very distracted and weighted down. But those days don't come as often as they used to (the down days, not the anniversaries. Grief doesn't make sense, especially parental grief. It is often like playing hopscotch when torrential rain keeps washing away the clean chalk lines. You land where you think you should, only to find you missed the square entirely.

I have to go back to bed now. I have to be up at 0800 to get ready to go to church -- an MCC church which accepts me just as I am. I'm grateful to have a chance to be part of a church that doesn't judge me. I can't do anything about the body and soul I was granted, but I can do the best I can with what I was given. 

I know God loves me and wants me to be happy. This is the reason - when I was going through my usual litany of self-blame for various break-ups, that always seem to plague met wen I'm trying to drift off  - I think God reminded me that I needed to do something to break the cycle. So I started doing the multiplication tables out loud As  I went through this rituals, I relaxed, and I was out before I reached 12 x 12.

The next time you can't sleep because your brain won't shut off, give the multiplication tables a try The age-old recitations have quite a bit of power in them. Better than an Ambien. :_P

Goodnight, all. Sweet dreams!


the walking man said...

Hope you made it back to the land of dreams and a good pillow. WAAAAAAAAAAy back when I was working I always got up too early and then when i was forced to retire 12 years ago that habit has become the most treasured time of the day.

I am happy for you Doris that your healing is strengthening along with your resolve to work at what you want to work at not what you have to.

Sleep well and sleep in--it's Sunday.

Maggie May said...

I seem to wake up between 4 am and 5.30. I just lie there listening to my radio through head phones and I hold my bladder in because I don't want his lordship to start crashing around too early if I should rouse him. More trouble than its worth.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Daryl Edelstein said...

like Maggie May I wake around 4 a.m. every morning .. have been doing this so long I cant remember when I didnt.. I check the clock, turn over and go back to sleep for another hour .. but at night when I cant fall asleep (usually I am out as soon as I snuggle into my pillow) I think about what to wear the next day .. shallow thoughts lull me to sleep ...

Syd said...

I stay up late and still wake at 7 AM. At least, it isn't 5:30 AM to get ready for work!
Glad that things are going well. This post is light and happy--I am glad. Time does heal.
I would say the Serenity Prayer over and over in my head when I was awake and troubled. Now, I sleep well.