Last night I dreamed of horses. Gentle horses, nuzzling me...
Today my son lost his job. I've been trying to wrap my head around that all day. I wish that I could take away any pain in his life. He's had enough already, losing his sister. But he's 24 years old, and things happen. This is through no fault of his own, but the laws being what they are, who knows if he'll get unemployment. I know the people he's been working for, and there is truly no way to please them. So life goes on, that much we know, those of us who have been around the block a time or three.
If my son ends up living with me again, well, then he will. And I'll see him every day, which would be so nice. But for him, I wish all good things. I wish him happiness and a perfect job and a beautiful girlfriend who wants lots of kids ... the list could go on for many, many lines.
But I could not seal myself off in my house for the rest of the day. I muddled through work, but I resisted the lure of the couch and the hockey game. You see, I've signed up to help on the promotions committee for our first local LGBTQ event, and tonight I had to deliver the information update for our team to the entire group. As I drove into downtown Frederick in the twilight and rain, as I navigated the narrow parking garage, finding a spot on the roof, as I walked into a community building on Church St., I realized how many fears I'm facing.
Since Stephanie died, I have not been to downtown Frederick more than twice. Both times were related to my divorce. In my mind, Stephanie and downtown Frederick are all twined together. She lived there, off and on. She was mugged there, which led to the events surrounding her death. Her car was impounded in a garage there, which charged $1600 to get it back and would not let us take a look inside to find out if there was even anything in the car before making Paul pay up. She held jobs in downtown Frederick, like the one she had at the British foods store. It was in that store, while I was waiting for her, that I giggled over the name "Spotted Dick" for the first time.
Every time I have needed to go to downtown for anything, I have usually found a way around it. I get panicky. I get sick. I find some way to do what I need to do online or through a friend. But I needed to face down this fear.
On the way out of the building tonight, as I trod the musty, carpeted hallway, I couldn't help but wonder, did her feet walk there, too? Undoubtedly they did at one time or another. It was one of those moments when I felt her presence so strongly that it's as if we were walking in lockstep.
I lingered over her picture when I came home. Some days the hurt is so deep. All the more reason that I want to do whatever I can to help my son. You just never know what can happen and when. The best you can do is the best you can do.
I'm off to bed now. Maybe tomorrow will bring good news.